She Was Meant to Kill
by a-hunting-consulting-avenger
Summary: 19 and 22,not teenagers,2 years, not a short relationship.Who said they'd live long anyway? But Natasha said she can't be a mother, Clint said he could be a father. But fate doesn't care .Better summary inside, first in a series, Family, action, some angst. Established Clintasha, pre avengers, series will go after the movie. Avengers later in series Summary's suck.
1. Chapter 1

**So I'm trying at a Clintasha story once more. I deleted my other series because it sucked and had no direction. Sorry. So summary: **_**19, not exactly a teenager, 2 years. Not really a short relationship. In their life who say's they'll last long anyway. But Natasha Romanoff wasn't a mother, she was convinced she could never be one, that she would be a horrible one. Clint Barton didn't think he was the fatherly type, growing up with an abusive drunk he was convinced he couldn't raise a child. But by some twist of fate there they are. And even if they said they can't be parents doesn't mean they shouldn't try. **_**Shit summary, family, action and some angst. Established Clintasha pre avengers. I don't own Marvel.**

**November 1****st**** 1993**

Natasha slid down the wall, she glared at the stick in her hand. She could tell herself it was a false positive, she knew that wasn't right. She had taken 4 tests and they all said the same thing. She gnawed on her lip. She knew she could try to be mad at Clint, but she is rational. It's not his fault, it could be her's. She was the pregnant one. She tossed the stick at the wall, she was still unable to make a sound. She pulled herself off the ground and looked in the mirror. She stared into her own emerald green eyes.

"Mother." She whispered.

The word was alien on her tongue, she didn't remember her own mother. That woman was dead, gone. Natasha didn't know and honestly didn't care. She pulled her long blood red curls into a bun and continued to look at herself in the mirror. She sighed, who even knew if she could carry a child. She knew the red room had messed with her body. Altered it for their own purposes. The extent of it she didn't know, but a pregnant assassin wasn't good for them so it never happened. Natasha was always smart about it, using protection. Avoiding having sex as often as possible, preferring to kill before her target even got that far. She never had a scare like this before. She looked down at her stomach, she thought back to every moment she had been, kicked, punched shot or stabbed in that area. She scoffed, how could she actually carry a child? She wondered. Even if she did how would she take care of it? The thought of her being a mother nearly made her laugh out loud. She was meant to kill, for one side or the other it was what she did. For the red room or SHIELD she was an assassin on of the best and knew it. Fighting alongside her partner, Clint Barton. She slammed her fist into the counter.

Clint.

How would he react to this? He was only 22.

She knew everything about him, he could read him like a book. After the three short years they'd known each other they'd gotten close, closer than either of them thought they could to another person. She knew his own childhood was far from perfect. An abusive alcoholic for a father, a mother who saw no other option other than to kill herself and an older brother who resorted to his father's ways once Mr. Barton finally overdosed. She knew Clint was convinced he couldn't be a parent. Natasha knew that if anyone deserved to be a father it was Clint Barton, not her. Not the Red Room's stolen gem, their perfect killer, and seductress extraordinaire.

Natasha sat back down on the floor, she glanced into the bedroom and at the clock.

9 am.

She growled, bored, angry and extremely confused and with unfortunately no one to talk to. Clint was on a 2 week mission in Beijing. He wouldn't be home for 4 days. She wanted to throw up, she wondered if it was the fact that she was pregnant or if she was anxious. She scowled, she was almost never anxious.

Natasha rubbed her eyes disgusted that she had barely done anything with herself. Normally by now she would have been training or gone to SHIELD out of boredom. She pushed herself up from the cold tile floor and decided she should take a bath. It seemed like the right thing to do in her situation. She grabbed a scented candle from under the sink. It had been gifted to her and Clint by an overly peppy SHIELD agent when they moved in here. The apartment was a bit of a "welcome to America" present from Fury. It was only supposed to be Natasha's but Clint being the only person she trusted lived there as well. He slept on the couch until one of them had a nightmare. That was their partnership for a year, sharing a bed when they wouldn't admit they were scared. Almost never seen without the other, everyone always assumed they were together. They didn't mind, both being incredibly introverted people didn't pay attention to the other Agents. The story about how they actually became romantically involved was speculated around SHILED but never confirmed. One night they kissed each other and just didn't stop.

Natasha hated how corny it sounded, and she hated how corny it sounded to say "I love you" but she did it anyway. She didn't like voicing how she felt, usually Clint just figured it out somehow. She frowned

"Idiot." She mumbled.

She rubbed her temples, then if her morning wasn't stressful enough another anxiety ridden thought struck her.

What if Clint didn't come back?

"Shit Natasha." She hit herself in the forehead.

Now she was forcing herself to make decisions, would she keep the baby? Raise it in his honor or something?

She buried her face in her hands and groaned. Did she want a baby? She knew her answer, yes. She would want a child. But she knew how horrible of an idea it was for her. He didn't have a single maternal instinct. But then she told herself she had never been around young children and wouldn't know. She hit the water, she was having too many conflicting thoughts. For her everything was black or white. Yes or no, do this or do that. This was too complicated for her. She stepped out of the bath and dried herself off.

Eat. She told herself, eating for two now.

That thought made her shudder, she quickly pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and let her hair air dry while she made herself some oatmeal. She wasn't the biggest fan of oatmeal but it was healthy, she figured until she decided what to do she might as well try at being nurturing.

In truth she had no idea whether or not to eat oatmeal. Or what she was doing, she figured she shouldn't shoot a gun. She remembered hearing a pregnant agent talking about how the noises can damage a baby's hearing.

It was a shame, she really wanted to shoot something. Or spar, or drink. She knew she couldn't.

Quickly she brushed her teeth and did her makeup then grabbed her coat, wallet and a gun and stepped outside into the cool November air.

The apartment was part of a complex of town houses in New York. It was close to a SHIELD base which was convenient. The two story apartment was small but big enough for them. She guessed if they did have a child they would need to move. Maybe one of their safe houses or something. She shook herself from those thoughts, she was too distracted while outside. She needed to have her guard up just in case someone tried to attack her. She walked down her street her boots clicking on the street. She decided she was going to go to SHIELD, get info on Clint. Quickly she turned back around went into her apartment and got her car keys.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

The drive to the base was uneventful, everyone was already at work so the traffic wasn't exactly horrible. She waved her badge at the door and slid into the building. To her dismay she was approached by Agent Coulson.

"Agent Romanoff." Her name drew the attention of the people milling around. The Black Widow was legend at SHIELD even after only three years she was considered the top agent, Clint right behind her.

"Yes Coulson." She glanced at the file in his hand "But before you hand me that." She gestured to the file "You should know I came in for information on Clint and refuse to leave on a mission until he gets back."

Coulson nodded "Romanoff, this isn't a mission." Natasha didn't let her relief show but she had no intention of telling anyone about her pregnancy until speaking with Clint.

"Then what is it?" Coulson handed it to her

"Information on Clint." She nodded, before opening it she bored her eyes into Coulson

"He's alive?" he nodded

"We spoke with Ward at 3 am, they are both fine and have completed the mission and left the country. We have an early extraction scheduled for this evening. You will be able to see him tomorrow at 5 am."

Natasha nodded "Thank you." She said while she flipped through the folder, it was nothing interesting. A summary of what they did. She wasn't interested, she handed it back to Coulson as he left and wandered into the SHIELD cafeteria. Grabbed an apple and some tea and seated herself next to Agent Hill.

Maria Hill was at SHIELD when Natasha arrived, she was assistant to Fury and as introverted as Natasha and hated just about every other Agent other than Coulson, Clint and Natasha. Which made them unlikely friends. As Natasha sat down she didn't look up from the report she was looking over as she sipped her coffee.

"Clint's alive." Natasha nodded

"I know." Natasha knew better than to read of the other woman's shoulder instead she asked about it.

"Who's mission?" Maria looked up and stared at Agent May. Natasha nodded

"I like her." Maria chuckled

"You're one of the first. Ever really talked with her?" Natasha bit into her apple

"Spent 15 days with her in Istanbul." Hill nodded

"Something here isn't right. You have sought out a conversation with a person who isn't Clint."

Natasha shrugged and sipped her drink. "I've become increasingly bored over the past 10 days. Usually Clint has something amusing to do."

Maria flipped through her file "Like shooting rookies with paintballs."

Natasha stayed stoic "I take no responsibility for that." She finished off her apple

"However the masterminds behind it aren't getting the credit they deserve."

Hill smirked "I have to go. Have a nice day Romanoff." Natasha nodded

"As to you Hill."

Natasha sipped her tea, she knew there was something about caffeine and pregnancy so she had avoided it. She rarely needed help waking up anyway. Natasha leaned back into the plastic chair and watched the Agents come and go as she finished her tea. Becoming more and more restless she decided she would pace around SHIELD and see how many people she could make nervous. Usually she did this with Clint as their silent presence is more than slightly ominous and disturbed the lower level agents who had only ever heard stories about them. Natasha smiled slightly as two Agents her age approached her, she hated this. She set down her cup and pulled out her gun, the two of them backed away. She smirked and left the cafeteria. She wondered if it would draw more attention to herself if she were in her suit or not. Not wanting to change she made a point to get into the rafters above the viewing area of the gym. It was her and Clint's spot, he being a sniper hated not being able to see everything around him. His code name suited him, sat cross legged on one of the many beams running through the building. No one ever noticed them up here, they would if they spoke. But they almost never did. Not around people, when they were by themselves they would mindlessly chat just because they could. No one was watching, they could pretend they were simple people. She watched the people below her, she wasn't early as observant as Clint. If he were watching he would be able to tell how they were feeling, how much sleep they had. Natasha didn't pay as much attention to emotions she wasn't compassionate, but she could read people then react in the right way. Yet so far in her life she almost never cared. What she could tell were weak points, she could see that the blonde agent below had a bad knee, that the man to her right had back issues and that the brunette across from him had several cracked ribs on her left side.

Once again a horrible thought struck the redhead.

What if she can't show any compassion towards her child?

She bit her lip, and told herself she wold learn that it would come naturally.

She huffed completely dissatisfied with what she was doing. She needed to do something useful with herself. Getting down from the rafters she left SHIELD bidding Coulson goodbye as she left the building and headed for the nearest drugstore. Quickly she picked up several magazines and pamphlets on early stages of pregnancy and left the store as soon as she could. She wasn't appreciating the looks she was getting from the people in the store. She had forgotten that she was 19 and people are quick to judge you if you are under 20 and pregnant.

Bastards. Was the one thought she had on them. She also realized she didn't wear anything similar to a wedding ring.

She hated people even more now.

She picked up a few groceries and got home as fast as she could. She glared at the items she put in her fridge. She always either made Clint or a random Agent go to the supermarket.

She hated being in public, she never had a real reason just that normal people were strange to her. She was more comfortable at SHIELD were everyone knew who and what she was and generally didn't need any sort of protection. Civilians were helpless, like children…

She shuddered, cursing herself for letting her brain go there.

A baby is helpless, needs constant attention and protection and anything could go wrong.

She slammed her fridge shut and sat down on the couch, picking up the TV remote she one of the crime shows that always seemed to be on just for a laugh. Clint somehow enjoyed these shows, she didn't get it. She wasn't a television person but needed a distraction that was mindless. With this she spent her day channel surfing and reading her pamphlets. She tidied up both floors of the apartment and made herself some soup for lunch and dinner. At 7 30 she was absolutely done with the day and set her alarm for 4 am, pulled on one of Clint's t-shirts and crawled into bed.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Natasha woke up screaming clutching her stomach several times in the night, grimacing from pain she didn't remember. She had nightmares every night but these were different. Her nightmares almost always consisted of things that had already happened, now they clearly involved the baby she wasn't even sure she wanted and the life she was almost positive she could never have. At 4 when she woke from her hours of uneasy sleep she quickly showered, ate and put on civilian clothes. Once she got Clint she was getting off the base and simply spitting it out. She couldn't think of any other better way to break it to him. Once she was dressed she climbed into the car and made for SHIELD. The streets were surprisingly alive for 4 45 am she had to remind herself that this city never sleeps.

She stood completely still as Clint and Ward exited from the debriefing room followed by Director Fury. The Director nodded to Natasha, she return his curt nod and glanced at Agent Ward. She wasn't a fan of him and they haven't even spoken. Natasha grabbed Clint's arm and dragged him from the building and into the car.

"Injuries?" she inquired, he shrugged

"Bruises, scrapes. Ward got pushed down some stairs." Natasha quickly kissed him on the cheek. Then started the car. Clint didn't question her silence, he made sure his bow was properly put away and played music on the radio quietly. Natasha glanced at him

"Do you need sleep?" he shook his head

"Well, I do. But I need to get back on American time." She nodded

"Hungry? I went grocery shopping yesterday. I hated it."

Clint chuckled "Kinda." He paused "Are you okay? You seem off." She shrugged

"Tired, didn't sleep well."

He knew what that meant. "Ya, me neither. And it didn't help that Ward phoned SHIELD at 3 fucking am."

Natasha smirked "Ya, why?" he yawned

"Something about being considerate towards the Agents here." Natasha scoffed

"Ok, or pissing you off. How old is he anyway? What level?" Clint thought for a moment

"20? Around there, he's level 3." Natasha turned into their driveway

"On a level 7 mission?" Clint nodded grabbing his bag

"He didn't know the details. Just came along for the ride." Natasha nodded.

Once inside Natasha warmed up some soup,

"Here. Eat it." He smiled "Alright." Natasha made him some coffee. He watched her

"You're being strangely nice. What going on?" she frowned

"Eat." He put down his spoon

"Tasha." He pressed on, she sat down across form him at the table. He raised his eyebrows, she bit her lip. She realized just spitting it out would be harder than she thought.

"Well, what I'm about to say you can do whatever you want with the information I'm about to give you."

He narrowed his eyes "Nat.-" she cut him off

"Still talking Barton."

He didn't want to let it show but he was nervous. His mind had a tendency to jump to the worst. Especially when it came to Natasha, he trusted her with everything he had and that worried him. She took a deep breath, she was trying to calm herself down. Clint noticed now she was scared, anxious.

"Tasha whatever it is you can tell me." She stared at him

"I'm pregnant."

He tilted his head "What?" she stared him dead in the eye

"I am pregnant. I believe I am speaking English. If not you speak all my languages."

He nodded "It's English, you're using English…are you sure?"

Natasha nodded "I wouldn't tell you if I wasn't. I took 4 tests."

Clint nodded, standing up "Right, ok. I'm gonna get changed then I'm gonna take a walk and when I get back we're gonna talk. Ok?"

She nodded, smiling slightly. That was Clint, always calm, steady even with what she just threw at him. Clint pulled on his jacket and kissed her forehead

"I just need to take a walk." She held out a gun, and watched him live. She locked the door behind him and cleaned up the soup. After that she wasn't sure what to do with herself, she hated this. She almost always had something to occupy herself with. Natasha quickly grabbed a book off the shelf, finding it to be the Fellowship of The Ring. The Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit were Clint's favorite and Natasha refused to admit how much she had grown to love them as well. She remembered one of her first day's in the States, Clint knowing she read, wrote and spoke perfect English handed her the Hobbit and the trilogy. He simply said they were good then walked away. Her curiosity got the best of her and she didn't stop reading until she needed to do something important like eat, sleep or use the bathroom. Only afterwards did Clint tell her they were his absolute favorite. She had barely known him then, but since the books were so important to him she engaged in long conversations with him about them. She hated saying that in some weird way it made them closer.

After about half an hour Clint walked back in and sat down next to Natasha on the sofa. He wrapped his arm around her.

"Tasha, this isn't my decision. Whatever you do I am fine with."

Natasha frowned "That's not how it works. Because I can go either way, I need to know what you want."

Clint rubbed her arm "I want you to be happy."

Natasha faceplamed "It doesn't work that way either." Clint nodded

"So how do we decide this this?" Natasha shrugged

"Like we decide everything, way the pros and cons." Clint cringed

"With our lives and inexperience everything seems like cons." Natasha sighed

"Then we'll do this practically. Do we want a baby?" Clint stared at the wall

"I've always wanted kids." Natasha nodded

"I never thought about it, I never thought I'd live to be 17 let alone be in a position where I would be thinking about this." She paused

"I'm going to be honest Clint, I don't picture myself as a mother but I've never been around one."

Clint twirled a strand of her hair "If you had a baby would you love it? Unconditionally no matter what?"

Natasha stared at her hands "Yes, I would. I think, I'm sure. How could I not, I mean I didn't think I could love but here I am in this stupid situation with you."

Clint smirked "I'll let that one go." Natasha didn't respond to that.

"So we're doing this? Child thing?" Clint smiled

"I guess so."

Natasha nodded still staring at her hands on her lap. Clint looked away from the wall and to her, his story blue eyes studying her. Trying to read her like he always did and he knew there was something wrong.

"Nat, there's something else." She looked up at him

"When it comes to this I don't know my limits. And it's irritating."

Clint began tracing patterns on her hand

"Tasha what do you mean?" she pursed her lips

"I've been altered to kill, genetically engineered to be the perfect assassin. I don't know how deep that programming went. Part of it is psychological, rooted deep in my mind. I know this, it happened I remember fighting it and giving in then hating myself. But I don't know what they did to me physically, and that worries me."

Clint looked over Natasha, sometimes he was surprised how composed she was. Even in the toughest situations she always had it together. Clint may seem calm from the outside but he didn't always keep a rational mind. She did, and he admired her for it. Natasha raised an eyebrow

"Well? Any sort of response to that?"

Clint shook himself from his thoughts

"Ya, sorry… We'll get a good doctor and run all sorts of tests that you'll hate but put up with anyway."

Natasha supressed a smirk, she was almost certain Clint was trying to be funny.

"Dr. Williams. She was in charge of me when you brought me from Russia."

Clint nodded, he tried not to think about how sick Natasha had been. Struggling to overcome the drugs used in mind control, no one that they were somehow addicting. That being free and controlling yourself was an incredibly hard decision for Natasha. It was a topic never discussed, they put it behind them. Memories that only resurfaced in nightmares when all they could do was cling to each other and know that it's over and they would do everything in their power to stop it from ever happening again. Staying out of Russia, keeping tabs on the Red Room. Waiting for the perfect time to attack.

So far there wasn't an opening, Natasha had little hope that there ever would be.

She stood up "We have to tell Fury before I'm assigned a mission."

Clint nodded "Now?" he whined, Natasha nodded

"You're back and safe, he'll have something lined up for me likely within a few hours."

He sighed and stood up, wincing she eyed him.

"Clint?" she question, he shrugged

"I scraped up my back." She narrowed her eyes

"Has it been properly cleaned?" he looked away from her, she huffed and grabbed the first aid kit from the pantry.

"Take off your shirt."

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Fury growled at the knock on his office

"Who is it?"

"Agents Barton and Romanoff." Fury slammed his paper back down on the desk

"Let them in."

The two agents stepped into the room and took seats across from him. The showed no sign of affection towards each other. Relationships among agents weren't uncommon, there were many couples in the agency. Director Fury knew about Clint and Natasha's relationship but they saw no reason to flaunt it especially not before they told them Natasha was going to try and have her child. He stared at them

"What?" Clint gulped

"Well sir-" Natasha waved her hand, Clint stopped talking. She had decided this was hers to tell the Director.

"Director Fury, I found out this morning that I am pregnant. Agent Barton is the father."

Fury's scowl intensified

"Damnit." Clint bit his lip

"We weren't trying but-" "Shut up Barton."

Clint nodded, Fury continued

"And you intend to keep and raised this child?" Natasha nodded, Fury leaned back in his chair

"I see, well you better have thought it through." They nodded.

"We also talked about how the pregnancy could be strange." Clint added, Natasha rolled her eyes

"He means dangerous for me and or the baby. Because of my conditioning and former injuries."

Fury nodded "I'll see to it that you get the best doctors." Natasha opened her mouth to speak but Fury silenced her.

"Agent Romanoff I will have you immediately placed at a desk job." She snarled, Fury continued

"When the child is born each of you can chose when to return to work." He threw a paper weight at the door, Coulson walked in

"You can yell for me sir." Fury frowned

"It's stress relief. Have Agent May takeover Romanoff's missions until I say otherwise. If May is unavailable for some have either Hill or Morse assigned to them."

Coulson nodded and left. Natasha knew Agent Morse she and Clint had been dating when Natasha had been brought to the US, their relationship was ended by Clint because Bobbi hated how close he and Natasha were. Despite this she was a good Agent. Fury's attention returned to Clint and Natasha

"Is Dr. Williams good?" they nodded, Fury began filling out a form and handed it to them.

"She is free today at 4 unless she is desperately needed for something. You'll have an appointment then. I supposed your living arrangement will need to be adjusted?"

Clint nodded, Natasha shook her head

"Our safe house outside the city is sufficient. It's listed under our residences."

Clint nodded "Ok, yeah that definitely works."

Fury pointed to the door

"Barton your missions will continue until Romanoff reached her 8th month of pregnancy. Romanoff I'll send you the details of your temporary job this evening. Dismissed."

They quickly skirted out of the room. Coulson re-entered the room.

"They'll make interesting parents." Fury nodded

"Motherfuckers." He mumbled

**So this will be a series of stories. Next chapter will be the doctor's appointment. Hope no one is OOC, please Favorite/Follow and Reviews are greatly appreciated. **


	2. The calm

**Thank you for the response! So I'll be putting a date at the beginning of each chapter just so it's easy to keep track of. This chapter will basically skip through the first 2 terms of pregnancy because nothing exciting will really happen until birth (spoilers I guess). So in the author note at the bottom I will have 5 names, 2 for a boy 3 for a girl. You can pick one of them in a review if you have a favorite. I already have an idea but I'd like some input. I don't own Marvel.**

**Warning: Mention of suicide **

**November 1****st**** 1993 4 pm**

Dr. Marilyn Williams set her baby boy back down in his playpen in her office, her assistant smiled at the baby.

"I have one more appointment until I'm off then you can go." The younger woman nodded and waved some toy keys in front of the child. Marilyn kissed her so and walked into her lab.

"Agent's Barton and Romanoff? It's nice to see you when you're not severely injured. I hear form Fury you're pregnant? Congratulations, however it's not a walk in the park and I want you to be prepared for anything."

They nodded, this was why they liked her. She was to the point and not overly sentimental. Natasha wasn't sure how long she'd been working for SHIELD but she looked to be in her early thirties with a mess of dark blonde curls pulled into a pony tail to not be dealt with. Natasha felt her pain. Clint heard a baby coo in the next room.

"Your son?" she nodded and gestured to an ultrasound chair in the corner of the room.

"I see you're already changed, Natasha if you could take a seat."

Natasha glared at her hospital gown but laid down in the chair. Clint stood next to her rubbing Natasha's hand. Dr Williams looked up at Natasha

"This won't be pleasant and likely very cold." She stated, Natasha grimaced. Dr Williams pointed at her screen.

"So basically the blob in the middle is your baby. Yeah, not so interesting."

Clint and Natasha begged to differ, they were both entranced by the image on the screen. Marilyn smiled

"First time parents are cute." She mumbled as she fiddled with some buttons on the screen.

"So Natasha you found out this morning?" she nodded, Marilyn stared at the couple

"Fury said you may have concerns, care to voice them?" the couple turned back to the blonde. Natasha cleared her throat.

"Yes, I don't know what alteration the Red Room's conditioning may have made to my body."

Marilyn nodded "Anything else?" Natasha chewed on her tongue

"Past injuries, being shot, stabbed, blunt force trauma."

Marilyn stood up

"Right." She studied the screen for a moment.

"I see anything that can be an immediate issue. However you have plenty of scar tissue, and with what I've seen of the Red Room's work it's entirely possible your body has been conditioned against natural birth. But there are ways around all these issues."

She grabbed a fresh file and scrawled their names into it and began recording their concerns.

"I am going to point out right now that I am a very blunt person. I am with everyone, and I'm not liked for it. I can tell you right now pregnancy is tough for the best of us and yours is going to be interesting. Also the first 3 months or first term is when most miscarriages happen. So you won't be pleased with this Natasha but I don't want you to put stress on yourself. What I mean is basically not doing anything. Stay off your feet and working from home."

Natasha groaned "Seriously?" Marilyn nodded and turned to Clint

"I will also be making sure your missions become so dull and safe you'll want to put a bullet through my skull."

He scowled

"Sorry Barton." She turned back to Natasha

"I'm sorry I can't tell you more about your body and its limits." Natasha opened her mouth to speak

"I know you're worried about that, don't ask how. I'm magical, I will be giving you a list of things not to eat or do and I want monthly appointments. I have Katy schedule them tonight."

Natasha tilted her head "Who?"

A petit black haired girl who looked about 20 poked her head out from Marilyn's office

"Katy, my assistant. Also I can practically guarantee a caesarian which we can schedule later."

She unhooked Natasha from the machines and helped her out of the chair, she scrawled her personal pager number on a business card and handed it to Clint.

"Any concerns call, I always answer unless I'm in surgery."

He frowned "This is the quickest appointment I've ever been in."

Dr Williams nodded "Yes, well most Doctors I know drone on and on about things that scare and stress out the patients. I tell you what you need to know."

She handed Natasha a list of books "All of these are helpful."

She pointed to the door "See you hopefully in a month."

They rushed towards the door, Dr Williams called after them

"You'll be tempted but don't think about names or nurseries or anything like that until we've passed our third appointment. I can't guarantee anything for you."

Natasha understood. None of her real fears had been confirmed, but they hadn't been denied.

"And Clint. Give her whatever she wants, and I'll add that morning sickness is a bitch."

Natasha scowled "This sounds lovely." Marilyn crossed her arms

"If everything pans out the end result is enjoyable." Natasha nodded

"What's your son's name?" Marilyn smiled

"Ryan. He's 7 months old and probably hungry or something. Goodbye Agents, I'll have your perfectly boring lives on track in no time!"

The two of them scowled and stalked out of the room, Marilyn smirked slightly before turning on her heel and returning to her office.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**3 months later, January 13****th**** 1994**

The first term of Natasha's pregnancy was uneventful, her morning sickness wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been and SHIELDS work for her wasn't as dull as she expected. Her most recent appointment with Dr. Williams had been the same as every other her pregnancy was normal but just because they had now past three months didn't mean they were out of any sort of danger yet. Much to Clint and Natasha's dismay Marilyn had said they should start thinking about a nursery and names and baby proofing their large safe house. For likely any other couple these decisions would be exciting, like their child was a real thing, something that was happening. This was what Clint and Natasha were having problems with. Choosing a name, picking colors and making sure their house was safe just emphasized the fact that they were almost in complete control of someone's life until they were capable of making their own decisions. It scared them, two assassins who didn't quiver while staring down the barrel of a gun were completely terrified of being in control of someone's life.

What if he or she didn't like their name?

Or their parents? How they lived?

Clint and Natasha knew their child wouldn't live a normal life.

They had to think about that too.

Not yet but eventually, would they go to school? Would they want to work for SHIELD?

Endless questions, endless what ifs that Clint and Natasha would love to push past but couldn't help but dwell on late into the night. Clint and Natasha stared around the room they had selected to be their child's nursery, it was right in front of their own. They guessed when he or she was older they might want to move into one of the bigger rooms down the hallway. The house was simple, dark wood floors white walls and black or dark furniture. Three floors not including the bunker/basement. On the first floor there was a kitchen, a living room, a foyer and a formal dining room they never used, the second was all bedrooms. There were 4 and each had its own bathroom and on the third floor was a library and an entrance to the roof. The basement was simply weapons, dummies and sea rations. What Natasha considered to be the most impressive part of the house were all the staircases. Most of them were hidden aside from the obvious one heading from floor to floor. The others had hidden entrances behind a painting or in a linin closet. Each room was somehow connected and all the hidden passages in the home either lead up to the roof or down into the bunker. The few people who had visited them in the home (Coulson, Hill, Fury and Dr. Williams) thought it was a bit much, but they didn't care they did everything they could to make it safe. Including 11 foot high iron gates around the property and a state of the art SHIELD designed security system. The couple gazed out the window rom their position on the window seat.

"Nat, we should just start with names, it's the simplest thing."

She raised an eyebrow "Seriously? Out of decorating and buying foam squares to put on tables a name is the simplest thing?"

Clint gave her a slight shrug

"It's the most fun." She turned towards him

"Fine, any ideas?" he looked back out the window

"Something Russian?"

She was momentarily stunned. As much pain Russia had caused her she still loved the county from the bottom of her soul. It was home to her, the cold, the snow, the wildlife, the cities and architecture, the food and people. It was in her blood, Clint had no idea how much her child having a Russian name would mean to her. Well, clearly he had some idea or else he wouldn't have thought of it.

She nodded "Start with a male name or female?" Clint frowned

"Right, gender. Umm statistically the child has a higher chance of being female because there are more woman then men, don't know how that works-"

She waved her hand cutting him off "Start with a boy's name."

Clint nodded "Any ideas?" she frowned "You don't have any?"

He shook his head "Which one of us here is the Russian?" she pursed her lips

"I always liked Anton or Erik." Clint nodded

"Anton or Erik what? Are we using my name or yours? Or both?"

Natasha sighed "We can't use my name."

Clint nodded he understood, Romanoff was distinctly Russian and known by many organisations. People who wanted her dead, Barton was more common, safer.

"So Barton? Anton or Erik Barton."

Natasha silently agreed, Clint knew it. He also knew how horrible she felt. She knew they were bringing a child into a dangerous world, he or she would be in danger their entire life. Clint grabbed her hand

"Should we chose one or wait until we know?" Natasha nodded

"Wait. No point picking one if we don't have to use it."

The two of them decided that when they had the option to know the gender they would. The only reason was to simplify the task of buying clothes and decorating. Clint examined the snow covered trees outside

"And for a girl?" Natasha had to think for a moment

"Izabella, Kristina or Anastasia." Clint nodded

"I'm not a fan of Kristina." Natasha shrugged "Lydia?" Clint shrugged

"They are all nice." Natasha nodded

"Izabella and Anastasia have short forms, nicknames. Bella or Ana" Clint suggested, Natasha shrugged

"Right, those were never common, I was so confused when you called me Nat for the first time."

Clint smiled "It was worse when I said Tasha." She smirked

"I was always Natalia Romanova until Fury or someone decided Americanising my name was smart."

Clint rolled his eyes "You liked the idea, something about a fresh start if I can remember."

Natasha's emerald eyes shined with tears

"Are we seriously doing this? A child? It's insane! How are we supposed to be parents? We can barely keep from fucking ourselves up, how are we supposed to raise a child properly? How do we tell them that we are killers? Do we just cook breakfast one morning and just sort of go 'good morning! We kill people would you like cereal or toast?' I mean, in all honesty what the hell are we doing?!"

Clint pulled her into a hug, he rubbed her back trying to comfort her.

"Tasha, I know. Trust me I know, I've had the same thoughts this entire time. But we'll find away, he or she will know that we save lives. And no one knows how to be parents the first time. Tasha don't worry."

She bit her lip "But we've never even seen good parents!" Clint rested his chin on her head

"Maybe not but there's no real rule book for parenting. I hope. It's just putting someone else before yourself, their needs before yours. Just being accepting and things like that. Making sure they eat and are clean and happy."

She laughed "Your making this up as you go Barton." He nodded

"But I'm right. Think of this as another fresh start. We'll take it one day at a time, what about middle names?"

She sighed, her face still resting on his shoulder "Are those necessary?"

Clint smirked "They are now." She growled

"Dimitri, it's the only name I have left." Clint's smirk stayed on his face

"Alright, for a girl do you like Edith?" Natasha looked up at him

"That was your mother's name." he nodded

"She was a nice woman."

Natasha squeezed his hand, she had never heard Clint speak ill of his mother, only sadly. He missed her, she knew it. What she did wasn't fair to her sons, but Natasha knew suicide had seemed like the only option, Natasha had been there. Near the end of her time in the red room, she became aware for a moment of what she was. Before she could even try one of the leaders put her back under mind control, the next time she became aware after that was when she met Clint, then she kept fighting until it was out of her system.

"Definitely." She shot him a sad smile.

"Fresh start Barton." He kissed her forehead

"We're ready Romanoff."

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**2 months later, March 18****th**

Natasha gazed around the finished nursery, they still didn't know the gender but that didn't matter. It matched the rest of the house, dark floor, white walls and dark furniture. Still so far the pregnancy was uneventful, every appointment was the same. Healthy baby, healthy Natasha. Both Clint and Natasha were nervous this was the calm before the storm. Their fifth appointment was today, they got to know the gender. Clint made sure he was here, not on another boring mission like the last time. Natasha had never seen Clint more bored at work, and his boredom led to pranks on base. Recently he had put fish in the water coolers, replaced the coffee with the most horrible fruit juice he could find and assaulted people with nerf guns from the vents. Natasha was disappointed with his lack of creativity, he said it was because she wasn't there to give him good ideas.

"No, Clint. I'm busy carrying your child." She would retort with, that shut him up.

Once they arrived at Dr. Williams office Clint paced outside the door for 15 minutes waiting for it to be their turn. He was heavily glared at by the Agents in the waiting room, seeing this Natasha returned their glares, scaring a few of the Agents. Unfortunately for Natasha her pregnancy was no longer a secret from her colleagues. And for some unfathomable reason everyone was speculating the father, Natasha didn't think it could be more clear, Clint Barton. Anyone with any level of common sense understood this but many of the Agents at the New York base were young idiots. Once their name was called Clint and Natasha raced into the room. Dr. Williams smiled at them and gestured to the chair

"Take your seat, once again I feel compelled to tell you it will be unpleasant and cold."

Natasha deadpanned and lifted up her shirt, Marilyn rolled her eyes

"Fine, don't take the joke." Natasha smirked

"It's just because I spend so much time with Clint and his bad sense of humour."

Clint frowned "I'm offended." Marilyn smirked at them

"Just wait for the dad jokes 'Dad im hungry! Hi hungry I'm dad.'" Natasha frowned

"Clint if you do that I will kill you." He smirked slightly

"Now I have you."

Dr. Williams wrote down the gender on their chart "Don't tempt death more then you have to Barton."

She put their chart back in the filing cabinet

"Well would you like to know?"

**Lol. So shorter chapter then last time, the next one will be longer. So guesses on the gender can be put in a review if you would like and here are name options**

**Boy- Anton Dimitri Barton ****or**** Erik Dimitri Barton**

**Girl- Izabella Edith Barton, Anastasia Edith Barton ****or**** Lydia Edith Barton**

**I have a personal favorite for each, but your input is appreciated. But if I don't chose the most popular I have a reason. **

**Happy New Years!**


	3. Before

**So there won't be a definite decision on the name until the birth but you will know the gender this chapter and some other crap will be happening , pay attention to the chapter titles, the one before this was 'the calm' this one's 'before' I'm sure you can guess what the next one is going to be. Thank you for the reviews there will be more opportunity at the end of this chapter to say what name you like. I don't own Marvel.**

**March 18****th**** 1994**

_**Previously: She put their chart back in the filing cabinet**_

"_**Well would you like to know?" **_

Clint and Natasha knew they'd be finding out today but the prospect of actually knowing whether or not they would be having a son or daughter was exciting and fascinating and terrifying all at once. Without making a sound they both nodded grins plastered on their faces. Marilyn smiled

"Well Agents you are having a girl."

They were stunned, they were sure they would have been stunned either way but, a daughter. Natasha wasn't sure what to say, Clint stared at the black and white image.

"Wow." Natasha nodded, Marilyn observed the screen checking or anything worrying.

There was nothing, it worried her. The scar tissue was simply that, every appointment she scoured the ultrasound and did different tests and asked Natasha so many questions and there was nothing. A completely ordinary pregnancy, it was strange enough to keep Marilyn on her toes, prepared for the worst. And as Natasha got closer to her due date (July 23) she became more and more wary.

Any pain? Any different or absent movement? Blood?

And there was nothing, Natasha was carrying a perfectly healthy, kicking baby girl and Natasha was experiencing the normal, average discomfort of pregnancy. It was irking her. The only thing that wouldn't be completely normal about the pregnancy was the delivery. Marilyn was standing by the C-Section, it was scheduled for July 23 1994 and Marilyn was going to everything she could to make sure everything went as planned. She looked back over to the couple still completely in shock, Marilyn smirked

"You know this means you have to buy clothes now right?"

Clint and Natasha's faces fell before returning to their grins,

"Дочь (Daughter)" she whispered, Clint wrapped his arm around her.

"Да Дочь (yeah daughter)" he replied, Marilyn smiled

"Вы знаете, я говорить по-русски право? (You know I speak Russian right?)"

They turned to her both equally stunned, Natasha raised an eyebrow

"You're a Doctor." She nodded

"Elementary my dear Romanoff, I speak many languages. English, French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Japanese and Latin."

Clint frowned "You can't speak Latin." Natasha smirked

"That's what you think Barton." Clint nodded and mumbled something about his girlfriend being insane and turned back to the screen. Marilyn chuckled to herself then stood up.

"Well I have tight schedule to keep up with so I'm going to have to cut this short." Quickly she unhooked Natasha from the ultrasound and Clint helped her out of the chair. Marilyn flipped through a different binder

"Remember any concerns or anything changes call me immediately. I hate to say but things are going to well for my liking."

Natasha frowned "I just figured for once things were going well."

Marilyn shrugged "They are, I'm just not used to it and neither are you."

Clint nodded "We're careful." Marilyn opened the door to send them out

"I don't doubt that, just stay careful."

They slid out of the room glaring at the other agents as they walked past making sure to avoid people they knew as they left the building.

Once they reached their car Clint helped her into the passenger side then climbed in and stated the car.

"That was ominous." Natasha stared out the window

"Yeah, she doesn't sugar coat." Clint turned on the radio

"She's just wary, so are we. Everything is fine, she said so herself."

Natasha picked at her fingernails

"Yeah, I know."

With that they drove home in complete silence, neither of them able to shake a sense of forbidding.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**2 months later, May 20****th**

Now Natasha was in her 7th month of pregnancy, her last term. They had finished baby proofing and shopping and reading every book they could find. At the request of Dr. Williams they were ready for labour and she was always ready for surgery. They had yet to choose one name, they figured one would fit when she was born. Ever since Natasha fifth month appointment they weren't able to shake the sense that something was going to go wrong. She blamed Dr. Williams for planting the thought in her head but she knew it had been there all along, in the back of her mind. She knew Clint was worried to, besides his always calm outside. Right now he was in Rome, observing a potential threat. He had spoken with him the night before, he was bored out of his mind. And without Clint she also became increasingly restless and bored, on the third day of his mission she found herself in the library staring out at the forested property. There weren't many homes in the area, them and a few older couple's miles away. She picked up a random book and began reading, she had been doing that a lot recently. It made sense considering she hated TV. A year ago if someone had told her she would be spending her days right now pregnant and reading books all ay she probably would have shot that someone. Natasha Romanoff former Russian assassin was being domestic and it was terrifying and amazing at the same time. For most of her life she would wake up and wonder if she would be alive the next day, sometimes she would wake up and hope she wouldn't be. But now it was almost like she could predict her days, it as both strange and relaxing. But she knew it would change when her daughter was born. She and Clint had talked about it, the fresh start. They understood how hard it was going to be raising a child in the world they lived in, death, pain, lying and danger. But they knew there was no one better to protect someone in this world other than them. The Black Widow and Hawkeye, feared around the globe, raising a baby girl.

Natasha chuckled, she couldn't help herself from thinking of when she started dating. She could just imagine Clint sizing up some terrified teenage boy. She and Clint had talked about how she would be raised, they would try and get her the most ordinary life possible. She would go to school and Clint and Natasha would help out with bake sales or sports teams. She knew the decisions they were making were years away but she also knew how fast time goes by. Coulson had practically forced them to set up an education fund. Not that money was exactly hard to come by, SHIELD paid their top agents well.

The home phone rang.

She was momentarily confused, before getting up and heading over to it.

"Hello?"

"Romanoff." It was Marilyn

"Is Clint alright? Usually they call my cell phone." She had trouble masking the fear in her voice

"Yeah, he's fine I was just inviting you over for dinner. Coulson and Hill are coming too, I figured you wouldn't be busy."

Natasha thought it over "You have dinners?"

Marilyn chuckled "I do, my husband's cooking."

"I've never met him."

"I know. He's in the military. If you don't want to come that's perfectly fine. God knows I never went anywhere while pregnant."

"Oh no, I'll come. What time?"

"Around 5:30, it's an early dinner since Hill is working tonight. Nothing fancy."

"Yeah, alright. I already know where you live."

"That's creepy Romanoff, I'll see you later."

"Goodbye." Natasha said before hanging up the phone. She glanced over at her clock, it was one, four and a half hours until she had something to do. She sat back down in her chair and picked up her book.

"4 fucking hours." She mumbled

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Natasha pulled up to the suburban home.

"This is ridiculous." She mumbled to herself while getting out of the car. She'd never actually gone to someone's home for dinner. She figured everyone had at one point and that she might have to again if her child made friends. She frowned, she would have to interact with civilians and seem normal. She'd learn how like a mission were you have to assimilate with people. She'd done it before, but they almost always ended in disaster. She walked up the front steps and knocked on the door, a tall dark haired and dark eyed man opened the door.

"You must be Natasha. I'm Mari's husband."

Natasha wondered for a minute who Mari was, then realizing it was shirt for Marilyn. He gestured inside

"Come in." she thanked him for holding the door, he took her jacket she thanked him again. She wasn't overly used to politeness, Clint often tried but she would just tell him she could do it herself. Marilyn came around the corner carrying her son. He had inherited his mother's unruly blonde curls but his father's dark brown eyes. He was a cute kid

"How old is he now?" Phil asked form the next room. Marilyn's husband answered

"He turned 1 last month." Phil and Maria greeted Natasha. Marilyn offered her something to drink, Natasha declined and sat down next to Maria. Hill smiled at her

"Have you and Clint discussed names?" Natasha nodded

"We'll pick one when she's born." Phil nodded

"Makes sense, that's what we did with Ryan." Said Marilyn's husband. Natasha frowned

"I don't think I every learnt your name."

He nodded "Robert, I prefer Bobby."

The evening continued with small talk spaghetti and meatballs and watching the news. Around eight Natasha went home. Tired and wanting nothing more than for Clint to be home. She crawled into bed and fell asleep, plagued with nightmares.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**2 Months Later July 16****th**** 1994**

Natasha bolted upright with a stabbing pain in her midsection. She shook Clint's shoulder

"Clint!" he jolted awake

"Tasha." She grimaced

"Something's wrong. Something's really wrong, I have to go to the hospital."

Clint jumped up and helped her to her feet

"It's gonna be okay." He soothed, she screamed.

"Clint, I..." she stopped, her eyes rolled back.

"Tasha?! Natasha!"

**Ehehehehe. Short I know, update should be soon but I am going back to hell (school) tomorrow. Updates should still be regular. Thank you for all the reviews!**

**So again name options**

**Izabella, Anastasia or Lydia.**

**I have a favorite.**


	4. The Storm

**So a name has been chosen and thank you for the reviews and follows and favorites and things. Well back to school, Ahhh. So I enjoyed my cliff hanger what about you? A name has been chosen by me so if it wasn't your first choice I'm sorry but it is my decision. So I don't on Marvel, obviously. If I did the movie would have done very poorly.**

**July 16****th**** 1994**

Clint paced up and down SHIELD's operating room hallway. He didn't understand what had happened, Marilyn didn't really explain she had just flipped out and rushed into surgery. Her assistant had explained what she could. It was something about to Red Room's conditioning, Marilyn had been worried everything was going too smoothly. Her assistant said that Natasha's body had been trained to carry the child then near the due date 'reject' the pregnancy. Clint didn't think that made any medical sense but it didn't matter. All he knew was that the woman he loved and his unborn daughter were possibly on the verge of death and there was absolutely nothing he could do. He was tempted to punch a wall, or a random Doctor or scream at the top of his lungs. He didn't, he kept calm. Like he knew Natasha would want him to. In his panicked state his mind ran through all possibilities.

Natasha's survival but their child's death, their daughter's survival but not Natasha, if somehow everything went fantastic both of them got out alive. Or the one possibility he didn't approach. He could lose both the things he cared about the most. He tried to think of what he would do if Natasha died. The obvious, raise his daughter.

What would happen if the child didn't make it? How could he comfort her when she would be convinced it was her fault?

He took a breath and sipped the cup of water Marilyn's assistant (Kate) had shoved in his face. He kept pacing, his blood pounding in his ears. He wanted to throw up or curl up in a ball and avoid all people. He didn't, he wouldn't. Everything he had been through he was going to get through this no matter the outcome. He glanced across the room to a clock, it had only been twenty five minutes since Natasha had gone into surgery. No one had told him how long it would be, he was pretty sure no one really knew. He walked into the waiting room, there was nothing he could do, and he decided he could at least be on the verge of hysteria in a room full of other people feeling the same thing.

He sat down in a chair the farthest away from people as he could and stared at the TV, which was playing a sports game he didn't care about. He leaned backwards in the chair his arm over his eyes. He thought back to the day he met Natasha, when he saved her.

_He notched an arrow and watched her as she crept through the alley. She didn't know she was heading towards her death. He stepped out from the shadows_

"_You can't run." She stopped dead_

"_Who say's I would?" He looked her over, she was younger then he thought. He had imagined her as a full grown assassin, he was faced instead with a teenage girl._

"_Natalia Romanova?" she nodded_

"_And you?" he aimed his bow_

"_Doesn't matter." She smirked _

"_I'd like to know my killer." He smirked "Clint Barton." She nodded_

"_American. Which Agency? CIA? NSA? Secret Service?" Clint shook his head_

"_The Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division. SHIELD."_

_Natasha frowned "That is horrible." Clint nodded _

"_You're not scared?" Natasha looked him in the eye_

"_Of death? Never. You're scared, you're cared to kill me. Why Barton or is it Hawkeye?"_

_He frowned "Whichever name you want in your head as you die." She smirked_

"_I don't think you'll kill me. I'm to interesting." He scoffed_

"_Really?" she nodded, her emerald eyes still boring into his story blue ones._

"_They didn't tell you much about me didn't they? I'd bet my life on that."_

"_That's what's at stake." She smiled_

"_Cute. You didn't know I was this young, I can see it. You won't kill me because in your eyes I'm practically a child, but you're not much older. 18?" _

_He studied her, she was thin. Too thin, he doubted she as healthy, her hair was dry and matted, hidden under a hood. There was panic in her eyes but they had slid off of him, too the surrounding buildings._

"_Haven't been taking care of yourself?" something flickered across her face, an emotion he couldn't identify. She stepped backwards_

"_You can't run Natalia." She kept stepping backwards_

"_I don't want." He took a few steps towards her, she kept backing up_

"_Then what are you doing?" she looked over to him, her eyes filled with an emotion he knew all too well, fear. As clear as day._

"_I don't know."_

_This was when he realized she wasn't in control, part of her mind had taken up. Long enough to be scared, to be human. Not a killer, not the Black Widow. Long enough to be Natasha. This was when Clint knew he didn't have to kill her. That was when he made a different call._

The decision had seemed so strange then, if he could go back he would have simply grabbed her and left Russia. There wouldn't have been a choice, save her. That would be the only option.

Save her.

That's all Clint Barton ever wanted to do. All he ever needed to do. And right now, he couldn't. He could just sit and wait. It wasn't like her solo missions. She was helpless, unconscious at the hands of Doctors and fate.

Fate. He had always told himself there was no such thing, things just happen.

Now he was choosing to believe in fate so that he could tell himself it was out of his and everyone's hands.

The minutes ticked by, he sat there tapping his fingers against the empty paper cup. Several people had come and go, one woman was escorted out of the room by a Doctor after she had started crying. He glanced back up at the clock, it had been nearly one hour. No hour of his life had ever gone this slowly. Marilyn sprinted into the room, her sneakers pounding on the tile floor.

"Barton!" she called, several heads turned wondering who it was, Clint jumped up and ran over. She dragged him into the hallway.

"You have a daughter." He supressed any feeling of happiness, he needed to know about Natasha.

"She's in the nursery, Kate's next to her crib thing. Natasha's still in critical condition. No time to talk, back to surgery."

And with that she raced back into the operating room. Without delay Clint headed for the nursery. Quietly he slipped in and spotted the dark haired assistant standing over a bassinet. He pushed all thoughts of Natasha from his head and focused on the daughter he had yet to meet. He approached the bassinet Kate stepped out of the way. Clint peered down at his daughter. She was wide awake, she had his eyes. Stormy blue orbs, on her head there were already tuffs of blood red hair. He smiled, Kate looked at him

"You've never held a baby have you?" he looked at her

"Who are you?" she frowned "I'm Marilyn's assistant." She gestured at the baby

"It's easy really, just be gentle and support the head. She's perfectly healthy."

He stared down at his daughter, he stopped breathing for a moment.

His daughter, this was his child. He was a father, and he would be for the rest of his life. It took a moment for him to process.

She gurgled, snapping Clint from his thoughts.

He leaned down and carefully picker her up. A nurse walked up.

"Do you have a name?" Clint frowned, he and Natasha were going to pick one together. He looked down at his daughter, they had ruled out Lydia. Natasha wasn't even sure why she thought of it. He studied his daughter closely. Izabella or Anastasia. Whenever he and Natasha discussed names she always leaned towards Izabella, he preferred Anastasia but looking at his daughter now he could tell that wasn't her name.

"Izabella." The nurse nodded

"With an s or z?"

"Z." Clint answered staring down at his baby girl. Kate looked around the room, unsure of what to do with herself.

"I'm gonna go stand in the hallway." He nodded wondering how someone so young was a medical assistant. Before returning to the thought of Natasha. He spotted a chair in the corner, without attracting attention from the few people in the room he sat down.

"Your mother is amazing. You'll love her." Izabella stared at him, Clint smiled.

"Hopefully you'll be as smart and as talented as she is, in whatever you end up doing. You're already as beautiful as her."

Izabella stared around. Clint nodded "You don't know what I'm saying to you."

She cooed. Clint stared down at her, she looked identical to Natasha. The only thing that was him were her eyes. He didn't mind Natasha was the most beautiful woman he had seen. The baby girl slowly fell asleep. Clint wasn't sure what to do, if anything new happened with Natasha someone would come get him. He sighed, his eyes stayed trained on Izabella. She wriggled deeper into her blankets. Clint stood up and set her back down in the bassinet. He told a nurse he would he back and left the nursery walking back to the operating rooms.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Dr. Marilyn Williams had a calm steady hand, she never wavered. Natasha's heart monitor raced, she was losing blood, fast. Marilyn couldn't find the source, every surgeon in the room was working on her. Marilyn was determined to keep her alive, she had been her patient for three years. She had seen this woman at her best and her worst. Helped her through withdrawal, mind control and bullets wounds, stabbings and so much more. She wasn't letting Natasha die. She refused, not her, not now, not n this table, not in this hospital and not without meeting her daughter. She resisted the urge to scream and flip a table. The beeping of the machines was driving her mad and one intern was reciting everything he knew about childbirth and its complications.

"Could you shut up?!" she barked. She glared at the machines

"Shut them up to!" a nurse quickly silenced them. Marilyn chewed on her tongue as she worked. Her heart raced, this wasn't good. She needed to calm down, someone screamed. Marilyn looked up.

Flat line.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Clint paced, whatever was going in that room couldn't be good. He could feel it. Nothing was going right, no one was coming to talk to him, and everyone going in and out of the room was frantic. Whenever he tried to talk to one of them he was pushed aside. He knew he couldn't just barge into an operating room, but he was so tempted. Clint was shoved against a wall by a passing Doctor running into Natasha's room, Clint slid down onto the floor and held his head in his hands, he felt like throwing up. He flashed back to when she had been hurt the worse on a mission, he hadn't been nearly as scared as he was now.

_Marilyn screamed as she tried to stitch the hole in Natasha's chest. A nurse pressed bandage against a wound in her abdomen, a young woman was trying to stitch up the gaping wound on Clint's own leg but he wasn't paying attention._

"_Tasha!" he yelled._

_Marilyn yelled again, Clint was screamed at the sit still. He kept moving towards Natasha. He was shoved back by the nurse trying to stitch his wounds._

"_Agent Barton! Calm Down!" _

"_Clear!" Marliny screamed again,_

"_Nat!" Clint yelled, the redhead gasped, her eyes snapping open, she screamed. Clint tried getting to her, Marilyn had Natasha put onto a stretcher and into surgury. Clint tried running after them, he got exactly three feet before being pricked with a needle._

_ He woke up alone in a hospital room, he tried getting out of bed only to find himself strapped down at the wrists. _

"_Tasha!" Fury walked in_

"_Agent Romanoff is still in surgury. Calm down." Clint struggled_

"_Why the straps." Director Fury crossed his arms_

"_For when you wake up. Remain calm Barton, Romanoff will live. She always does."_

_Clint trid sitting up "That's not good enough! How is she?!" _

_The older man frowned, Clint wasn't anything more then a scared teenage boy, it was moments like this one where he remebered how young he was. He had just turned 19 weeks before, Fury sighed_

"_She'll be fine." Clitn gowled_

"_When?!" Fury started backing out of the room._

"_Soon Barton."_

Needless to say Natasha had a long recovery, but she bounced back, like always. But this time Clint wasn't so sure, there was too much running around, to much yelling and frantic Doctors, too much of him not knowing anything. Marilyn came running out of the operating room.

"Barton!" she called, he jumped up. She looked exhausted and unfourtunatly for Clint he couldn't read her emotions. She jogged over to him

"She's stable but it was rough." Clint frowned. "What do you mean?"

Marilyn shrugged "That's to be discussed later." She turned on her heel and started walking away, he grabbed her shoulder

"Doctor, how rough?" she backed back into the operating room

"We lost her, for a moment."

Clint stopped dead.

A moment, one moment in time, once in his entire life Natasha was gone. Heart stopped, not breathing, dead. He fell back against the wall and slid down to the floor. For a sliver in time he had lost her, he didn't want to dwell on it. But how could he not? Th number of times she'd been hurt or disappeared weiged on him, but she had never once been gone. Even for a second she had always been there, alive and fighting.

He put his head in his hands.

Death.

The inescapapable reality of death. Everyone dies, some young, some slow, some could have been saved and some so fast no one even knows what happened. He had never been confronted with it the same way. His mother and father, yes. But he was so young and had so little to lose. This was Natasha, the sole person on earth who trusted him with eveything she had, then he relized and Izabella. If Natasha was gone, which was of course always a possiblity but never a reality, even for only a second. He was all she had, because for a second he was all there was. Clint wanted to scream, the thought of losing Natasha was always there, it was ever present in his mind. But for her heart to really have stopped, for her to have been brought back from the brink of death. The idea was shocking to him, purposturous. She was always alive and there, she was usualy the one to fix his wounds, to save him. Clint looked up as a gurney was pushed out of the room, he shoved himself off the floor, only to be pushed back down by Marilyn.

"No, she is under my observation for 12 hours. I'm the only one who see's her. You can wait if you like."

Clint glowered "No." Marilyn returned his hostile gaze

"Yes." She gesturned to the waiting room

"Wait, go home, visit your daugter, do the chicken dance. I don't care, Natasha stay's alone and I will be physically inforcing this if nesescary."

With that the followed the gurney out of the wing. Clint frowned,with all of the visits with her he had never seen her acting like the SHIELD agent he had nearly forgotten she is. He pinched the bridge of his nose and made his way back to the nursury. He almost stopped dead again, Natasha nearly died without even knowing her daughters name.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**12 hours later, july 16****th**** 1984**

Clint paced infront of the room. He hadn't slept, he had spent more time at the bar across the street then he would have liked and Marilyn still wasn't letting him in. The blonde stepped out of the room,

"I'll get your daughter. Natasha's awake." Clint nodded and pushed the door open. Natasha stared at him.

"Fuck my life." She deadpanned. He smirked, he had expected her to be out of it. Not herself, out of it or something. But there she was Natasha, his Natasha.

"I named her Izabella." Natasha nodded

"Good, that's good." He took a seat next to her in the crappy plastic chair next to the bed. She looked him over.

"You look like shit Barton." He nodded, she didn't. She was Natasha as beautiful as ever.

"Thanks' Nat." she pursed her lips

"We're parents. Who let that happen?" Clint nodded

"We did. November 1st. We let ourselves be parents. July 16th, it happen." She rolled her eyes

"I noticed." He grabbed her hand, she let him take it. He lookd her over, he couldn't see any sign that she had nearly died half a day before.

"Any pain?" she pinched his hand "Ow!" she huffed

"You're an idiot. 'Any pain?' seriously? Go into labour then surgury. Then ask if there's any fucking pain."

He nodded, "Stupid question. She has my eyes, your everything else it looks like."

Natasha smiled "So she's got your one good feature and me." He face palmed.

"I'll let that slid." She smirked at him "I can joke Clint. I'm not incapable."

He squzzed her hand "I know." Marilyn pushed the bassenet into the room and wheeled it over to Natasha.

"I'll leave you three." She sad as she left the room.

Natasha stared at the baby "What." Clint picked her up

"Izabella Edith Barton." Natasha stared at her daughter, the baby squirmed. Natasha blinked at her, before reaching her arms out.

"I wan tto hold her." Clint smiled and careuly handed her to Natasha. Izabella gurgled, Natasha looked up at Clint

"What was that?" Clitn shrugged

"Baby's make noises." Natasha bitc faced "Thanks for the information Clint."

She stared down at her daughter. Her daughter, she nearly gasped. This was her cild, she was going to rasie her and protect her. Natasha glanced up at Clint

"Can I get a moment?" Clint forrowed his brow, he'd just came in. He didn't want to leave them alone, he kne Natasha could tell.

"Clint, you got your time. I get mine."

He scowled and left the room, he didn't ant to be away from her. Not after nearly losing her.

She smiled at her daughter.

"I feel like I'm supossed to say something to you even though you are a newborn baby and don't understand anything."

Izabella blinked at her mother. Natasha smirked

"You were a pain, your worth it. I won't be calling you Izabella, not unless I'm pissed or soemthing. Bella and I garentee Clint will call you Iz or some sort of ridiculous pet name. I got red, you might get that or something worse. Unless your more like him, in which case giving people stupid names will be a hobby."

Izabella blinked at her mother, Natasha supressed a laugh.

"Hopefully you'll be less pain then you already were, but I'd do it again."

**Ahh long update! Sorry, I've got exams in a couple days but then like a week off so I'll be writing! I've also had a touch of writiers block and yesterday when I should have been writing I tried comtempating the meaning of life instead. So sorry if it wasn't the name you chose, I think I threw some foreshadowing in the end in attempt to make up for the update time. So follow/favorite and reviews are definetly apreciated. **


	5. On Top Of The World

**Thanks for the response! So from now on every chapter title will be a song title relevant to the chapter, well the title might not work but basically the song will or vice versa. I'm doing this because I'm bored and actually thinking of decent titles is hard so instead I'll spend hours trying to find songs. And if you love music like me you can google the song to check it out if you don't already know it. This chapter is really just going to be a filler, like an intense filler. So that I don't have to right several useless spaced out chapters before things start happening again (I've done this before, it's why my old stories sucked).I don't own Marvel.**

**If you still believe in Santa Claus don't read this and get off right now.**

**August 4****th**** 1994, Izabella age 1 month-ish**

Home, finally. After a few weeks of being fussed over in the hospital Natasha was finally released. Clint and Natasha had surprisingly taken well to being parents, as long as it was Clint who got up in the middle of the night everything went smoothly. Even without SHIELD to occupy them they were never bored, parenting books now held real value to them and Fury was out of Clint's hair and the answering machine. In short, after the ordeal that was the birth of Bella everything was going well. Clint and Natasha had now decided not to question it, if things were good they weren't going to doubt it. They were going to try not to see things in the dark when there was nothing but light. They had a year until Clint stated going back on mission and after that Natasha could return whenever she wanted. She wanted to, she still had red to wipe from her ledger, but not having to be forced to go back was amazing.

Natasha rocked Izabella back and forth in her arms, she was seated in the library flipping through a book. Bella was nearly asleep in her mother arms, Natasha was grateful. She wanted her daughter to have a nap. Then the phone rang

"You're kidding me." She mumbled while reaching for the phone. It was Clint, half an hour ago she had sent him to the grocery store. She wasn't surprised he was calling, as clever as he was Clint Barton could be a forgetful idiot.

"What sort of noodle am I supposed to buy?" Natasha glanced down at Bella, who was unfortunately now wide awake. She covered the voice receiver of the phone in her shoulder

"Your father is an idiot."

"I heard that." Clint dead panned. Natasha sighed

"The ones shaped like bowties. How do you forget that? I mean considering bow ties are all you own…" she trailed off. She heard Clint huff and mumble something about her having 17 variations of the same dress and he never complained.

"Thanks Tasha. I love you." She smiled

"Love you to idiot."

"Thanks." He said, the sarcasm was evident in his voice. After that she hung up and kept trying to get Bella back to sleep. She stared at her mother with wide eyes

"I hope you got my brain Bella."

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**July 29****th**** 1995, Izabella age 11 months**

Bella tossed a stuffed giraffe at her father hitting him in the chest. Natasha smirked

"She's got an arm, maybe she'll like sports or something." Clint shrugged and scooped up his daughter. She squirmed out of his grasp and to the floor where her toys were. Natasha ruffled her daughter's short bright red spirals. At not even 1 year old her personality traits weren't exactly evident but they could tell a few things about their daughter. She loved to play, obviously this wasn't uncommon for a baby but she absolutely adored playing. Natasha was certain Bella lived for her stuffed animals, her favorite was the bright purple cat that never left her side. She was always holding it quite a feat for a baby girl who didn't stop moving around, crawling or rolling around there was always a the purple cat.

"Bella!" Clint called, she looked up at her father. "Come here?" the little girl turned back to her toys, Natasha laughed

"Bella!" Natasha called, she looked up at her mother before blinking a few times and returning to the toys. Natasha frowned

"Well then." She huffed, Clint smirked. "She won't be doing anything if she doesn't want to."

Natasha sighed "I just want her to come here!" Clint smirked

"You want her to walk to you." Natasha shrugged

"I want her to come here however she chooses to do it is up to her." Clint rolled his eyes

"Alright Nat." she stood up

"Come on Barton we have to make dinner." He picked up Bella and followed Natasha out of the nursery and down into the kitchen.

Clint placed a bowl in the dishwasher as Natasha dried a glass. Bella whined, she had left the cat on her high chair, she had been distracted by the movie they were watching. Both Clint and Natasha whipped around, Clint chuckled

"In a second Iz." Natasha frowned "I bet she'll hate that when she's older."

Clint shrugged "I'll imprint it on her now." Natasha rolled her eyes

"Imprinting? Like a mother bird?" Clint shrugged and returned to the dishwasher, Bella pouted. Natasha smiled at her daughter. The baby girl stared at the cat in the chair, and pushed herself off the floor and started walking towards it.

"Clint." He turned around "What- oh, are you kidding me? For a cat?"

Natasha smiled "What do we do? Cheer her on?" Clint sat down next to the chair and planted a kiss on his daughter's forehead when she reached the chair. Natasha hugged her.

"I feel like we should have taken a picture or something." Clint shrugged

"I don't understand how some parents do that. Do they just sort of have a camera?"

Natasha pulled Bella into her lap "Maybe, I don't even think we have a camera."

Clint nodded "Right, what's wrong with us." Natasha played with a strand of Bella's hair and responded using her "baby voice" which Clint thought was especially weird.

"It's because we just hate everyone."

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**December 25****th**** 1995, Izabella age 16 months**

Baby's Christmas was probably a huge deal for most parents, for Clint and Natasha it was an ordinary year. Small turkey dinner and a small gift exchange. The only difference was this year they got a Christmas tree and decided that as Bella got older they would dive into the world of Santa Clause.

"Kids love it!" Clint said, Natasha rolled her eyes

"I just don't understand, and it's a little creepy. Fat old man comes into your house, eats your food and somehow knows what you wanted for Christmas. How does that make sense?"

Clint paused "Uhh, it just does." Natasha sighed

"Whatever but you can be the one to console her in 1 years when we have to tell her there is no Santa Clause."

Clint nodded "Ok, besides we'll tell her in like the summer or something so it's less devastating."

Natasha buried her face in her hands "You are an idiot."

Bella tossed a sippy cup onto the floor. Clint frowned "What kid has an issue with juice?"

Natasha picked it up "Ours apparently, also she's about to go to sleep why'd you give her juice?"

Clint smirked "I didn't, that was you." Natasha pulled Bella out of the chair

"Whatever, you let me." Clint frowned and followed her up stairs to put Bella to sleep. The baby girl squirmed as they put her in the crib.

"No." she squawked, Natasha clucked her tongue

"No. Out of every flipping word to possible have as a first word its no. That's not even supposed to be possible."

Clint was stunned "What?" Bella smiled

"No!" Natasha stared down at her daughter

"Don't they start saying that at like 2?"

"Fuck, I don't know."

Natasha hit him

"No swearing, how often do we say no?" Clint grimaced

"A lot. You scream it at books sometimes." Natasha shrugged

"Reading is emotional." She stated. Clint pressed play on a DVD of classical music Marilyn had given them. Natasha sneered

"I hate that. Why is it something people do?" Clint switched off the light

"I have no idea, but she's a Doctor." Natasha kissed her daughter on the cheek, Clint her forehead and they slipped out of the room. He pulled Natasha into a hug

"Merry Christmas Nat." She kissed him

"Merry Christmas Barton."

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**July 16****th**** 1996, Izabella 2 years**

Natasha wrestled with Bella's shoulder length curls. The toddler pouted

"Ow!" she yelped, Natasha quickly braided her daughter's hair and pointed to her closet

"Do you wanna pick or should I?" Bella played with a seam on the carpet

"I dunno." Natasha side

"What color?"

"Purple!" Natasha nodded and walked into the closet. Natasha was certain Bella was sure every color was called purple, it was the only color she actually know. Two year olds don't have a very extensive vocabulary. Bella knew yes, no I don't know, mama, dada, purple and Ry. Other than that she simply pointed at things or used facial expressions to convey feelings. Still she rarely cried. Recently Bella had started at a SHIELD recommended preschool, it was really just a regular preschool that SHIELD had run extensive background checking and had high security in and outside the school. Natasha hated the idea of her daughter being out of her hands for four days a week but she knew that kids needed to be with other kids and that Bella would be going to school anyway, might as well develop real social skills. Natasha helped Bella put on some black tights and a purple dress, Bella pointed to some black converse in the corner. They were a favorite of hers, she wore them everywhere. Natasha laced up the shoes for the little girl and watched as Bella raced out of her bedroom and inched her way down the stairs. Clint picked her up and tickled her

"No!" she said while laughing and hitting her father. Clint laughed and put her down, Natasha made her way down the stairs

"Are people seriously coming?" Clint nodded

"Yes Tasha, Marilyn, Robby, Ryan, Coulson and Hill. You wanted people." Natasha sighed

"I know, why?" Clint shook his head, walked into the kitchen and pulled the pizza out of the oven.

"Because you like those people and Ryan and Bella are friends."

Bella looked up at her father "Ry?" Natasha nodded

"Yes, Ry." Clint frowned "She knows his name?" Natasha smirked

"Yes and I know where this is going, she's two Clint she can be friends with a 4 year old boy."

Clint nodded "I know. I know that, do you think they'll still be friends in 12 years?"

Natasha supressed a laugh "Relax Clint, she might not even like boys, he might not even like girls. They could hate each other, they could just remain friends."

Clint nodded "We'll talk about this in 12 years when it's an issue."

Natasha looked over at Bella playing in the center of the room with some blocks

"Bella do you like Ryan?" she glanced up at her parents

"Ry? Yes." Clint cut up the pizza

"Well they're friends." Natasha burst out laughing at his expression.

"Barton, you look like a kicked puppy." Clint frowned and pulled out some plates just as the doorbell rang. Against Natasha's wishes they had given the few people invited the entry code to their property. Natasha opened the door and was greeted by a more then slightly dishevelled Hill, a beaming Coulson and the Williams family.

"Come in." she said holding the door open for them. They walked into the living and sat down. Bella blinked at them, she only recognized Ryan. The rest of them were just people that her parents talked to. The little boy sat down next to Bella on the floor and joined in with her playing blocks. Natasha served the pizza then cake then gifts were given to Bella. She didn't really understand the concept of a birthday other than that there were presents and it was going to happen again. She didn't understand that she was now two years old or that her as of today Natasha was reinstated as a SHIELD field agent code name Black Widow. Clint had been back at work for a year, when he left she didn't really know he was gone. She was too young to understand that one day her father might never come home and now her mother. The little girl braid began falling out Natasha walked over and re did it. The two years of simply training and being a mother had been amazing but she knew she still has red to wipe from her ledger, there was a lot of work to be done on her, she knew she wasn't finished yet.

**Short chapter I know. There should be a fast update, the next couple days. I legitimately just finished exams today. So I've been busy crying in a corner and frantically reading notes. Tell me what you think of the song title chapter thing, either the title or song will fit the general theme of the chapter. I'm probably gonna keep it up because aside from writing music is one of the other things I'm passionate about (guess which subjects I'm best in!), I probably won't be putting the artists unless there is another song with the same name as it. Follow/favorite and reviews are great!**


	6. Miss Missing You

**So fast update this time! Last chapter was just a filler, there will be sometime between that one and this one then things will be less spaced out, I just don't want things to get boring or dull because I've done that and it didn't work out so that's why I keep putting the date everywhere. I don't own Marvel.**

**September 4****th**** 1997, Izabella age 3**

Clint hugged his daughter and kissed her forehead "I love you, both." he pulled Natasha into a bone crushing hug.

"2 weeks Nat. I'll be fine." Natasha stayed silent.

Two weeks in Azerbaijan, two weeks in what SHIELD considered one of the most dangerous countries in the world. Two weeks in Azerbaijan, two more weeks then he should be there. Clint kissed Natasha and knelt down and planted another kiss on his daughter forehead. She grabbed the sleeve of his SHIELD jacket

"Why you going?" he frowned

"Work. I'll be home soon." Bella pouted and didn't let go

"No!" she yelled, Natasha picked her up

"Dad we'll be home soon but he has to work ok?" Bella tried wriggling out of her mother's tight hold

"No! Daddy!" Clint took a breath and left the room and headed for the tarmac. Bella started crying, Clint had left before but by the way everyone was acting the toddler noticed everything was wrong. Natasha stroked her daughters head.

"It's alright Bella." She tried soothing her hysterical daughter. Natasha carried her out of the room before too many people came over to see if they could help, they couldn't. Natasha carried Bella out of SHIELD and clipped her into the car seat. Bella's crying stopped

"When's daddy home?" Natasha adjusted the seat and mirrors to work for her

"2 weeks, not long." Bello frowned, her stormy blue eyes still shining with tears.

"I'm hungry!" she stated, Natasha glanced at the clock on the dashboard 6:03. They hadn't had dinner yet and Natasha hadn't prepared anything. Natasha sighed

"Do you want to go to McDonalds? I'll get you ice cream."

Bella's eyes brightened at the thought of ice cream, she previously weepy little girl smiled and clapped her hands

"Ice cream!" Natasha gave her daughter a sad smile and drove away from SHIELD.

Natasha wasn't the biggest fan of fast food but she didn't mind the cheeseburger and fries and to make Bella happy. Natasha even bought herself some ice cream, she listened as Bella chattered away about someone at her preschool who annoyed her. For a three year old she could talk, complain mostly. Natasha expected nothing less from the energetic girl. Bella's bright red curls now fell close to halfway down her back. Usually Natasha braided them or put it into a ponytail so that they weren't in the way. Her favorite color was still purple and the stuffed cat was still her most prized position. Her room had now moved from the nursery across from the master bedroom to a larger room down the hall with its own bathroom and walk in closet. Another identical room was at the end of the hall. Each room had a small balcony, the glass doors brought more light into the rooms. The room was designed the same, white walls, dark wood floors, there was more shelving then the nursery. The only colored things in the room were Bella's toys and bedding (purple). When the two of them arrived home instead of watching half a movie as usual Bella wanted to go straight to bed because her father wasn't there to make jokes during the movie. Every night Natasha read the young girl a story from "Grims Fairy Tales" she tried to leave out the most gruesome parts deciding they for when she was 6 or 7. Afterwards she would sing, she always made sure Clint had left, Natasha hates singing in front of him. It was an old Russian lullaby, Natasha didn't know the exact translation but it was all about protection and love. The little girl understood it, Natasha was impressed with herself for teaching the three year old both English and Russian. The little girl could speak with the fluency of any toddler in either language, Natasha hoped one day she and Clint could teach her French. After kissing her daughter on the head and checking for monsters Natasha switched off the light leaving the room with a sliver of light coming from the bathroom she left. She made herself a cup of tea and walked into the master bedroom. Clint couldn't call, not on the first night of a mission especially not a solo one. Natasha mindlessly flipped through a magazine before shutting off the light and trying to sleep.

She couldn't sleep, not soundly. Not without Clint, Natasha was plagued with nightmares without him. What could happen to him on missions, what could happen to her and Bella without him, if somehow she fell back into mind control and he wasn't there to bring her back. That never happened, it was impossible. That didn't matter, not when she was alone and worried. Tomorrow she would drop Bella off at preschool and try to get something done, grocery shopping, taxes or sort Bella's closet like she was supposed to last year. She buried her face into her pillow, out of all the things she wanted to do sorting through her three olds disaster of a closet was not one of them. Slowly and uneasily she fell asleep.

Natasha woke up in the morning and made a very simple breakfast of eggs and toast, after she woke up Bella they ate then got ready for the day. There was only minor resistance to going to the daycare, Bella had only made one consistent friend there. A girl named Carrie, Natasha saw the little girl and her parents every day, and they were young. Not as young as Clint and Natasha, Carrie's parents were both 26, a year older than Clint and four years older than Natasha. The little girl seemed to always have her black pin strait hair in low pig tails, she had bright gold eyes and dark brown skin, and she was likely the sweetest little girl Natasha had met. However Bella had no problem talking to the other kids, unlike her parents Bella seemed to be incredibly social. It worried Clint because he kept looking years into the future when he figured chasing her away from parties and drinking would be an issue, Natasha having never gone to regular school didn't know what to anticipate. Natasha smiled at the little girl when she came skipping up to Bella and described something she had done over the weekend. Natasha made polite small talk and brushed off the question of

"Where's Clint?" with "Working."

Natasha didn't know how long that excuse would be deemed acceptable because Clint was going to be away for 2 weeks, longer than most business trips and it was more suspicious because neither of them were ever clear on what they did for a living. Natasha walked Bella into the daycare and kissed her daughter on the forehead, Bella hung up her Disney themed backpack and turned back around to her mother

"Can daddy pick me up? Can he take a break?"

Natasha crouched down in front of her daughter "No he won't be able to for a couple weeks."

Bella frowned "Oh. Ok." Natasha smoothed back her daughter's hair and kissed the little girls forehead again.

"Have fun today, be safe." Bella nodded

"I love you mommy." Natasha smiled

"I love you too Izabella."

With that the little girl turned around and raced into the playroom. Natasha stood up and walked out of the school, ignoring the smiles and wave of strangers. When her daughter wasn't with her she felt no obligation to act like another one of the smiling parents. Although Natasha judged that most of their smiles were fake and they weren't at all as happy as they appeared. Sometimes people's need to appear better than they are bothered Natasha, she figured the world would be a much more honest place if everyone just openly displayed how miserable they were and were truthful about how much everything sucked. Natasha slipped into her car and drove away. Quickly she made her way to the grocery store, she put on her hood and her sunglasses. Often she ran into other parents who would recognize her from her hair. She sped through the isles picking out her items and paying as fast as she could when she got to check out. Once Natasha got home she busied herself with overdue chores and pulling together dinner, she spent the rest of the day attacking punching bags in the basement and shooting at the wall. Several times she glanced over at Clint's practice bow and remembered that she was alone in the house and that he was on the other side of the world fighting a battle that wasn't his to fight. It reminded her that SHIELD sent him away when he had so much to lose. The one thing Natasha missed about the Red Room is that there was no home, no one cared what happened to you other than that if you died it would be inconvenient. Here there was a home, people who loved you, here you can leave scars.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

The two weeks passed by without issue, over the weekend Bella had gone over for dinner at Carrie's. It was only when the two weeks were over when things went south. The problem was two weeks had passed and Clint wasn't there. Natasha had shown up every day over his mission to check in with SHIELD. Clint had even called a few times, and every single time it was the same thing.

He was alive, he was fine and everything was going perfect.

Apparently SHIELD had been bullshitting Natasha because as of yesterday, Clint was not fine, nothing was perfect and no one knew if he was alive. As of yesterday Hawkeye was MIA and the only person who was qualified to find him was the one agent who couldn't because when their daughter was born they signed a contract that said only one of them could be away at the same time. Natasha paced through the SHIELD corridor's, Bella was at school. How was Natasha supposed to say this in a way she'd understand? How do you explain to a three year old that her father is missing, alone and likely very hurt.

The answer was simple, you don't. You wait until there's a real information when you tell them. Natasha just didn't know how long that would take or if her daughter would notice the two weeks had passed and her father wasn't home.

Stupid question, of course she would notice. She could count two weeks, and worse she was expecting her father to pick her up from daycare. Natasha ran her hands through her tousled hair and left SHIELD to pick up Bella.

Natasha stepped into the playroom, Bella saw her mother out of the corner of her eyes and jumped up from the floor, she hugged her friend goodbye and ran up to Natasha

"Where's Daddy? I miss him." Natasha waved to Bella's teacher and left the room

"He'll be a little late, don't worry Bella."

She little girl frowned "Why? What's happening? I want daddy."

Natasha grabbed Bella things and helped her slip on her sweater. Natasha grabbed her daughter's hand and led her out to the car and clipped her into the back.

"Mommy why isn't daddy home?" Natasha could hear her daughter's voice threatening to break. She kissed Bella on the cheek.

"Don't worry Bella, daddy's gonna be home soon." Bella pouted

"When's soon?" Natasha sighed

"Soon."

Natasha slipped into the driver's seat, Bella held back tears behind her. With that Natasha made a very irrational, likely stupid decision she knew she would regret.

**So incredibly short and probably not very great chapter. The next one will obviously be a little more interesting. So as always fallows, favorites and/or reviews are greatly appreciated. **

**Ps I hope if you are having exams you are surviving and doing just fine. I nearly had a nervous breakdown and seriously considered exotic dancing as a plan for the future (which could work if I could dance)**


	7. Helena (So Long and Goodnight)

**So another chapter, I feel guilty for the freakishly short one last time. This one will be longer as promised, I don't own Marvel.**

Natasha pulled up to SHIELD

"Mommy why are we here?" Natasha got Bella out of the car and stalked into SHIELD, Natasha ignored the looks and waves at Bella of the other Agents and headed straight into Marilyn's office. The blonde woman looked up from her young son coloring on the floor.

"Romanoff." She glanced at Bella "How's Barton?" Natasha kissed Bella on the head

"Bella I think you should play with Ryan for a bit. Maybe even spend the night with Marilyn."

Marilyn frowned "Romanoff, you know your rules, what idiotic decision are you about to make?"

Natasha walked Bella over to Ryan and Marilyn.

"Natasha whatever your about to do I can't let you do it."

Natasha's already cold expression hardened

"You can't stop me either."

Bella gazed up at her mother

"Mommy, where's daddy?" Marilyn pointed towards her office

"Romanoff May I speak with you for a moment."

Natasha pursed her lips "I'm in a hurry." Marilyn wielded a scalpel

"This has more than one use to me Romanoff, get in the office."

Natasha scowled and walked into the office.

"Agent Romanoff whatever you are about to do is most definitely against SHIELD protocol-"

Natasha cut her off "I don't care, however they are planning on sending after Clint won't be good enough."

Marilyn placed her hand son her hips "The Calvary isn't good enough?"

Natasha nodded "May is an amazing agent but this is out of her league and she's not his partner."

Marilyn clucked her tongue "Did it ever occur to you that if Bella wasn't born you would have been on that mission to?"

Natasha crossed her arms "Well we have Bella and that's why I need to go. She can't lose her father."

"But she can't lose her mother either Natasha, I can't help you whatever you need even watching Bella."

Natasha looked Marilyn dead in the eyes "Tell me you wouldn't do the exact same thing."

Marilyn rocked back and forth on her feet. Natasha could see the cogs turning in her head, she knew this woman. In Natasha's position she would make the exact same choice, all or nothing.

"Other than taking care of Bella what do you need?"

Natasha sighed

"Arrangements made that if Clint and I die someone capable and loving gets Bella and a diversion."

Marilyn sighed "I'm gonna get my ass kicked."

Natasha nodded and stepped back into the room.

"Bella I love you, remember that. And so does your father."

Tears shined in the toddler's eyes "What happening?" she whimpered, Natasha stroked her daughter's hair

"Don't worry, I'll be home soon." Natasha stood up

"Williams in 15 minutes do something to get Fury, Coulson, Hill and May away from the flight deck. I'll take it from there."

Marilyn bit her lip and pulled Natasha into a hug

"What." Marilyn let her go

"Be careful." Natasha left the room.

"Kate! Watch these two."

Marilyn slipped off her lab coat

"Godamnned assassins." She mumbled.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Marilyn flattened herself against the wall and rolled her grenade in her hand. She'd helped in the design, compact, anesthetic smoke grenade. Will knock out anyone in the immediate vicinity for 6 6 minutes. And right down the hallway Fury, Coulson, Hill and May were running over the mission. Marilyn fitted a gas mask over her head, pulled the pin and tossed it down the hallway. She heard them shout

"Grenade!" then watched as they fell to the floor. Quickly she checked for any injuries and sprinted out of the hallway.

Natasha heard alarms going off before her, she checked to make sure she was fully outfitted with everything she might need. Quickly she slipped into a jet and made sure no one was inside. She sighed as she spotted a young female agent in the co-pilot seat. She figured her luck had been too good. The young Agent spun around

"Ummm, I'm expecting Agent May…" she trailed off when Natasha pointed her gun at her

"I'm Agent Romanoff and I need this jet."

The young woman stood up, Natasha estimated she was about 18 and just starting out as a pilot. Her light brown hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. Her hazel eyes widened as Natasha took the safety off her gun.

"Out now."

The young Agent stood her ground "I can't let you, I'm to co-pilot this jet to Azerbaijan and if you want to go anywhere but there you'll have to kill me."

Natasha lowered her gun, she admired the obviously terrified girl's bravery.

"Good, because that's exactly where I need to be. But you take orders from me now. Turn off the coms and get back in the chair, or I will be forced subdue you."

The girl stood in her place

"I can't allow you to be in the position of pilot. This is my jet unless a higher level Agent is assigned to it, I will be pilot or you will have to kill me."

Natasha frowned, she needed the jet but she need to have control but she didn't want to kill he girl. She wanted to pull this off without killing one of her own.

"Agent, get out of my way."

The younger woman raised her own gun

"Whatever it is you want, I'll help but I'm pilot."

Natasha sighed and climbed into the co-pilots seat "Fine, and put that thing down." She gestured at the young agent's gun, she slipped back into the holster on her thigh and sat down in the pilot's seat.

"I hear alarms, was that you?" Natasha made sure the coms were shut off

"Technically not me." The Agent nodded and took off.

"You never asked my name." Natasha frowned

"So?" the younger woman shrugged "Whenever I point a gun at someone I make sure I at least know their name."

Natasha made sure both she and the agent were properly strapped into the seats.

"If it makes you happy, what's your name?"

"Helena, I'm 19." Natasha studied the compass.

"You understand that you may very well get fired or killed." Helena nodded

"Yes." Natasha checked to make sure no one had followed them.

"Then why come?" Helena focused on the sky.

"Agent Barton is a friend of mine, well sort of. He was one of my trainers when I first started last year. He was nice to me. I was pretty nervous around the other recruits and most of the senior Agents weren't helping. His death would be upsetting."

Helena returned to her focus on the sky. Natasha remembered this, Clint was recruited to train a group of rookies the year before. Natasha always complained about how incompetent they were because when she was that old she was on top. One of SHIELDs best right away, so had Clint. Natasha had never taken the time to think that not everyone was. She glanced over at Helena, she knew nothing about her life but she could only guess it had been hard. Natasha didn't know one SHIELD agent who didn't get into the job without coming from pain and tragedy.

"How long do you estimate the flight will be?"

Helena shrugged "5 hours." Natasha nodded

"Do we have a location on Barton?" Helena nodded

"We're are headed for 1 mile away from the compound outside of Baku the Capital city where he is being held. Agent Romanoff are you planning on going in alone?"

Natasha nodded, Helena frowned "That is a stupid decision even for someone with your skill set."

Natasha narrowed her eyes "I'm not taking you, I won't be responsible for your life."

Helena played with the switches above her head "You won't be, technically you're not on this mission therefore not responsible for me. Also I'm a trained field agent, I am responsible for my own life and it is my designated mission to rescue Agent Clint Barton. Not yours."

Natasha stayed quiet, she didn't have an argument. Helena was using SHIELD's terms to get herself killed.

"I won't let you." Natasha deadpanned, Helena rolled her eyes

"You can't stop me either and I won't permit you to go in alone. You have your daughter to worry about, and I personally want to make sure you get home."

Natasha frowned at the thought of Bella, she couldn't leave her daughter without both parents and Helena was clearly smart and brave.

"If you die your blood is on my hands." Natasha stated

"The same goes for me." Helena retorted.

With that Natasha shut up and supressed a smirk, Helena was exactly what Natasha pictured when Bella was older. She was certain this wasn't a good thing.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**5 hours later, outside Baku, Azerbaijan**

Helena silently landed the jet, Natasha jumped out her seat and handed Helena extra grenades.

"These will be helpful, all explosive. Use them wisely. Do you know the layout of the compound?"

Helena grimaced "Agent May did." Natasha sighed and stepped out of the jet.

"Then I'll need a new plan." Helena strapped the grenades to herself.

"Maybe not. I know the place is just a warehouse and the security is likely a large amount of guards pacing around with automatic weapons. They probably don't have a plan in case of attack either."

Natasha nodded "Maybe, maybe not. Let's not assume anything. That'll get us killed."

She turned around to face Helena "When we go in, you have to be prepared to kill."

She nodded "That's nothing new Romanoff."

Natasha frowned, she had taken a liking to the 19 year old over the course of the flight. She now saw why, Natasha saw herself. Helena was cunning, brave, more experienced then she seemed and incredibly rational. Whatever made this girl who she was clearly hadn't been good.

"Let's go."

Helena followed close behind Natasha as they circled the compound.

"If you get your hands on a larger weapon use it."

Helena nodded and clicked the safety off of her gun, Natasha did the same. With that they kicked in the door. And they weren't at all greeted with what they thought they would be. Instead of guards running at them it was a very stunned receptionist sitting behind a desk. Helena raised her eyebrows

"What the hell?" Natasha stared at the terrified woman behind the desk and gestured towards the door leading outside. The woman clearly took the hint and sprinted outside into the night.

"Simple enough." Helena quipped and jerked her head towards the hallway behind the desk. Natasha raised her gun and headed down the hallway. This time they were greeted with what they expected, 6 guards ran right at them. Quickly and easily Natasha took down four, Helena knocked one out with a swift kick to the head then used the other one's own pepper spray against him. Natasha admired her resourcefulness.

"I'll have to use that." Helena smirked

"Just goes to show even the best of us are still learning."

Natasha continued down the hallway, ignoring her comment, Helena sprinted after her.

The building looked simple from the outside. A rectangular warehouse, only once on the inside and past the front desk it's a maze of door less hallways with armed guards appearing out of nowhere. Each of them had taken a few hits, Natasha had a flesh wound from a bullet on her left shoulder, and she would have been dead if Helena hadn't tackled her from behind. Helena herself was bleeding from a large scrape across her back from being slammed against a vase on a table. Why the place was so nicely decorated they had no idea, all they wanted to do was find Clint and get out alive. Helena stopped dead next to a door leading to the roof.

"What better place to keep Hawkeye then a roof?"

Natasha paused "I don't think…" Helena shrugged

"Easy escape since there's a helicopter pad."

Natasha sprinted into the stairwell, she was tired of the useless searching through hallways, and the roof seemed like the most plausible option. She was angry at herself for not thinking of it. In truth she was distracted, it was the worst. It wasn't safe. She was having trouble staying the Black Widow and not Natasha. Her thoughts kept reverting back to Bella and how she had left her daughter hanging, how guilty she felt for that. Six guards came sprinting down the stairs towards them

"I must have been right." Helena chirped.

Natasha instantly shot one of the guards in the head, Helena jumped up grabbing the railing above her and pulled herself onto the stairs above them from there she launched a knife into another guards back. A guard pulled out his gun, instantly Natasha jumped down onto the stairs underneath them. He didn't shoot at either of them. He aimed his gun at the fire alarm and fired. Immediately water poured down on them and the white lights switched off replaced instead with a dull gold glow.

"Shit." Helena muttered, before jumping down onto a guards back and used her thighs to snap his neck. One ran down to Natasha who simply shot him.

"You have a gun, use it." Helena mocked her, grabbed the railing above her and kicked one of the remaining guards in the chest sending him down the stairs at the other guard who was trying to take out Natasha, to both Helena's and Natasha's amusement he was failing miserably. The two of them fell further down the stairs were Natasha threw a smoke grenade.

"Come on." She said as she raced up the stairs past Helena who quickly followed behind.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

The scene on the roof wasn't pretty, Clint was tied in a chair sat dangerously close to the edge of the roof. One inch and he would be dead, one of the people he was supposed to take out struck him again across the face. Clint spat blood onto the man's feet. He hit him again. Clint smirked, he was hit again. He kept smirking. Clint Barton, wasn't particularly good in these situations, he often pissed off whoever held him captive by being a cocky asshole. Which generally he wasn't, but when tied in a chair by a mobster for some reason he couldn't help it. An insufferable amount of sarcasm, insults and puns were often all that came out of his mouth. Whenever Natasha was with him, she herself was tempted to punch him in the face. Not that was never sarcastic or arrogant around her captors but she knew when to stop before they became seriously fed up. Clint glanced up at the man towering over him

"Who's gonna come Hawkeye? Fury? The Calvary? It's pathetic, there's one person who can save you and they won't be coming. The Black Widow, your infamous partner, you said yourself she can't come to save you."

Natasha stepped through the door onto the roof

"He lied." Clint's eyes widened

"Tasha? What the hell?!" they raised their guns, Helena took a few steps towards him

"By order of SHIELD I demand that you release Agent Barton and surrender."

He laughed "By order of SHIELD? Is that worded correctly?" he studied her "Who might you be anyway?"

"The Calvary." She lied, Agent May was likely in the SHIELD infirmary death staring Marilyn while Fury, Hill and Coulson screamed at her. Natasha understood what she was doing, both sticking to the original mission plan and protecting her identity.

"The Calvary? I pictured you taller, and a little older." He gestured at Natasha

"No need to ask who you are, your hair's the same color as the blood on your hands. The famous Black Widow."

Natasha walked towards him "I'm going to kill you." It was more of a statement then a threat. Helena admired her, she was so calm, great at keeping herself together. Helena was trying to hide that her hands were shaking and that she was responsible for the deaths of several men in the building they were standing on. The man grabbed Clint chair

"No you won't cause one little push and bird brain is dead."

Helena supressed a laugh "Bird brain? That's really pathetic." He walked towards her

"No one told me the Calvary was snarky." Helena backed up

"Well… that's too bad." Natasha walked towards the man, he smirked and jerked his head. Three heavily armed guards came from inside a helicopter on the other side of the roof.

"Please Miss Romanoff, it's best not to try. What would you be trying to do in my situation? He tried to kill me I'm returning the favour."

Natasha raised her gun "He tried to kill me once and I wasn't too upset about it."

Two of the guards came behind Helena and held guns on her the third did the same for Natasha.

"Don't be offended, can't be too careful with the Calvary."

Helena smiled sheepishly "That's right, don't underestimate he Calvary."

Natasha stared across the room at Clint. He wasn't in good condition, now that she was studying him she could see more than the obvious blows to his head, he was bleeding from his stomach, chest and legs.

"Be quiet!" he barked at Helena. "Listen, all I want is Barton. I don't want to fight, I want to take him and leave."

He smirked "That's too bad because I'm going to kill you. Tell me Natasha do you know my name?"

Natasha frowned "No."

He clapped his hands together "Good. I don't want you to, I want the famous Black Widow to die and not know her killer. How much honour is in that death? None. Which is a shame because that's how we all want to go, we want our death to mean something. You want to save him?"

He gestured to Clint

"Too bad because I'm going to put a bullet through you and your friend's pretty little heads and you don't even know my name."

Helena frowned "Pretty? More like pretty fucking dangerous."

One of the guards elbowed her in the back, she fell down onto one knee. The second guard kicked her into the side, then pulled her up and put her into a headlock. Natasha glanced at her

"That's enough." She said, Helena kicked one of the guards in the knee ten spit at him. He sneered

"What was that supposed to accomplish?" Helena gasped for breath. He smirked, Natasha took another step towards the man.

"What is it you want? Money? Recourses?" he shook his head

"Revenge. Care to put a price on that?" Natasha stared at him

"What do you think mercenaries are?" he rolled his eyes

"Business men, I'm the boss. Mr. Barton here thinks he's half as good as any of my men. He should know anyone who uses a bow and arrow gets no respect from me."

Natasha turned on the spot ripped the gun from the guard hand then shot him and both guards holding Helena square in the chest.

"Do I?" he stepped back

"What?" Natasha advanced on him

"Respect? Do I get any?" he pulled a clicker out of his pocket and pressed the button.

"You have 1 minutes and 45 seconds. Survive, you have my respect, in death."

With that he jumped straight off the roof.

Helena scrambled to the edge.

"Dead! The motherfucker is dead!" Natasha ran for Clint cutting him free.

"The helicopter." She stated. Helena screamed

"We can't!" Natasha glared at her

"Why the hell not!"

Helena pointed at strings of wires tied around the helicopter.

"It's the bomb."

Natasha's face fell. "No." she walked over to it

"No. I refuse." Clint held her back "Tasha."

Her eyes fell to the ground "No. That bastard!" she screamed.

Helena frowned and sprinted for the helicopter, they ran after her

"What the hell are you doing?!" Clint screamed.

The young agent climbed inside

"I'm a pilot, I can fly this!" Natasha ran for her

"No! You can't do this, let me!"

Helena pulled her gun out

"Come any closer and I shoot you! You have your daughter to go home to. Your entire life!"

Clint ran a hand through his hair "You're 19! You have your entire life!"

Helena glanced at the bomb "I have 37 seconds."

She started the helicopter, Natasha screamed at her

"No! No!" her voice didn't even break, she was just screaming, Helena wiped a tear from her eye.

"So long, and goodnight!" she screamed.

Quickly she flew away from the building, far and fat. Natasha kept screaming, Clint pulled her down onto the ground at threw himself over her.

The sound was deafening. Both of their ears were ringing for minutes after. They didn't move, they stayed there huddled on the roof.

"So long and goodnight." Clint mumbled

"What a cocky assholeish thing to say." Natasha said. Clint nodded

"But some famous last words."

Natasha nodded and gave Clint a sad smile "Helena, so long and goodnight."

**So A LOT of My Chemical Romance references. I know I promised a shorter update time but then I'm a procrastinator of everything including things I like doing (this for example) also second semester came in like a wrecking ball of horror. So if you want listening to the title songs might be fun, they might not be your taste of music in which case feel free to not give a shit. So thank you for the response and keep up the favorites/following and reviewing! I hope everyone is well. Also Fall Out Boy reunion anniversary tmo Feb 4****th****. Any fans reading? Cause I'm going crazy.**


	8. Author Note (nothing bad)

**I'm going away for a week tomorrow so I won't be updating for about 10 days. I'm sorry. (Not really I'm ditching my four feet of snow and going someplace actually warm and sunny) I hope everyone's been well. School has been trying to kill me.**

**I'm sorry for any inconvenience this might bring you.**


	9. The Ghost of You

**So another chapter. The last one was pretty sad. That carries on into this one, sorry. The next one will be less tragic (probably). So how's everyone been? Has everyone seen the Captain America 2 trailer? Who is under that sheet that would make the Black Widow cry? I'm scared. Well onto the story, I obviously don't own Marvel.**

**September 16****th**** 1997**

Bella rested her head on her father's knee. She hadn't let him out of her sight since 11 days ago when Clint and Natasha returned to SHIELD. The three of them sat in the backseat of a SHIELD vehicle, Natasha and Lint had been in this position before. Quietly sit in the back of the vehicle go to the funeral say a few words about the agent, to their family (should they have any) then return home to their lives. This time was different. Both of their speeches would be much more personnel and Natasha had volunteered to put Helena's star on SHIELD's wall of the dead.

That of course wasn't the official name but that's what it was.

It was at the SHIELD academy, every Agent who was killed in action got a star with their name and age underneath.

_Agent Helena Louise McKinnon, aged 19._

And overtop a simple black star, Natasha had placed the star in its position a few days before. Helena would be buried in one of SHIELDS many cemeteries, one closest to her home was chosen, one of the smaller cemeteries just outside of Las Vegas Nevada. They're weren't that many graves, for SHIELD anyway. No more than fifty. Which might have been a good thing, but Natasha knew how many bodies were buried in other places, Washington D.C. Dozens of rows, hundreds of people. Almost no visitors.

That's what hit Clint and Natasha hardest, nearly no one came to see those graves because there was no one to mourn the loss of who was buried there. Many agents of SHIELD don't come from good homes, or a real home at all. Many were foster kids, or victims of abuse or survivors of some traumatic event. There were a few who simply just wanted to save lives, protect people, but still very few. All of them had something happen to make them want this job, all of them were a little frayed around to the edges. Helena was no different, it turns out she came from a big family, four sibling, she was the middle child. Two older sisters, two younger. Natasha figured it would have been hard for her, but having no siblings herself she couldn't relate. She learned from Helena's file that it wasn't. Helena loved her family, she wanted to be a nurse add fall in love and have a large family like her mother. Naturally something had to change.

Natasha didn't think people thought enough about how a single phone call could change someone's life. Shatter them or save them. A ringing phone could change everything. For Helena, her father and youngest sister it might as well have killed them. When Helena was 15 she lost her mother and three of her sisters to a car crash. Leaving her, her father and her 11 year old sister. Unfortunately her father slipped into alcoholism and abuse, leaving Helena to care for her sister. And she did great, both she and her sister did amazing in school and Helena worked tirelessly at finding something better for her and her sister.

Eventually she did, she applied to SHIELD when she was 18 and was immediately trained in the field and being a pilot. She moved her sister out of their fathers and got her into a better school. Helena was the closest thing to a responsible parent the 15 year old had, now she had to return to her father.

Natasha stepped out of the sleek black car, Bella held onto her mother's hand with one hand and her father's with the other. Natasha spotted a teenage girl who looked nearly identical to Helena standing and partially supporting a very dishevelled man who could only be her father. Natasha had seen the man once before when Fury broke the news to him and his only daughter. The man had seen Natasha and yelled something incoherent and broke down, Natasha was disgusted with him. It should be him caring for his daughter, not the other way around. He approached Natasha

"It's not fair!" he screamed, she pushed Bella behind her

"Sir, calm down." Clint said, Helena's father waved his hands at him

"No! It's not fair!" his voice was breaking, it was obvious he was drunk. Natasha stepped towards him

"I think it would be best if you calmed down." He shook his head violently

"No, it's not fair! It's not fair that you can just walk away and go home to your daughter when all of four of mine are dead! Dead! They are never coming back, and I blame you! For Helena! You let her! You let her die! It's all your fault!" he screamed through sobs.

Natasha was lost for words, she stared at him, taking her time to process what he had said. Clint jumped in

"Listen Sir, I know how it feels to lose someone you love. And I know you want to find someone to blame."

Mr. McKinnon was about to cut in when Clint kept talking

"But you need to know that even though it seems like you've lost everything you haven't."

He gestured across the cemetery to an incredibly shocked teenage girl

"She need's you. She need's you to check in and stop being an ass. You have lost so much and I am so sorry but you still have her. So do what Helena would have wanted and clean up, check in and get to know your daughter. Because she's all you have left."

He stood completely still Clint glared at him "And I'll be watching. And if you don't do your daughter well I will kill you."

Clint stepped back, subconsciously stepping in front of Natasha and Bella who was behind her. Mr. McKinnon stepped back, away from Clint. His daughter shook herself from her shook and raced over and pulled her father farther away.

"I'm so sorry about him." She said as she dragged her father away, Natasha grabbed the 15 year olds hand

"Don't be, it's not your job." She teenager looked up at Natasha, the red head frowned. She had her sisters eyes, but with so much less life. They were glazed over, Natasha didn't want to know how long it had been since she had smiled. Helena's sister nodded, then Natasha did something very un-Natasha. She pulled the teenager into a hug, the girl immediately broke down in Natasha's arms. She began hysterically crying, Natasha wondered if she even had the chance to grieve or if she had been so busy dealing with her pathetic father. Bella held onto the leg of the teenager, she smiled down at the three year old. The teenager let Natasha go, the redhead awkwardly patted her on the shoulder, Clint handed her a business card

"If you ever need anything call, its Mellissa correct?" she nodded and took the card then ran off after her father. Natasha watched her leave, Clint wrapped his arm around her shoulders

"He's wrong, you couldn't have stopped Helena. None of it was your fault."

Natasha shook her head "Not this time, I'm not falsely blaming myself Clint. There was a lot I could have done. Could have thrown her out of the jet and gone without a co-pilot. I could have made her stay behind, I could have kept her off the roof. There was a lot I could have done and I didn't. It's my fault Clint, nothing you or anyone says can change that. She's a ghost and I'm to blame."

Clint opened his mouth to say something, disagree with everything she just said. Natasha simply shook her head

"Not this time Barton. Helena's on me."

Clint frowned but he knew he couldn't argue with her, he knew he would be the same way. Natasha gestured to the seats,

"Go sit, I have my speech." Clint nodded and grabbed Bella's hand, she frowned

"Mommy." Clint picked up his daughter

"She'll be right back." Bella pouted as her father carried her over to their seats. Natasha sighed and stepped up onto a small black stage and stepped behind a podium. An eerie silence fell over the already quiet graveyard.

"I'm Agent Romanoff, Natasha. I was one of the last people to see Helena alive." Natasha wasn't sure what she expected from her opening statement but dead silence wasn't one of them, she continued on

"I only knew Helena for a few hours. In that time I felt strangely attached to her, it was about halfway through out flight that I realized it was because we were so alike and because she is exactly how I imagine my own daughter growing up to be. A strong willed, brave, independent and caring young woman. From what I know about her past, Helena was always the way she is. And I can tell she made a huge impact on the people she loved and the people who loved her. I think, no. I know that the people we lose never really leave us, and I know losing someone so young is so much worse. But there will always be a ghost, a memory, and it's how you chose to please that ghost and honour a memory that defines how much you cared for the person you lost. And I think it wise to honour a ghost be pleasing those still living who've been hurt the most."

Mr. McKinnon looked up to see Natasha staring directly at him, his eye darted away from her cold gaze, and she looked over the small crowd of people. Suddenly she felt the need to say something much nicer

"And when the ghost is someone like Helena, you can't not do everything you can to honour her memory. In a short span of time we were a team and I learnt a lot from her and I hope to bring that knowledge to my own work. She proved to me even the best are still learning, I think given a little more time she could have taught so much more to so many other people. But instead we are left with whatever mark she left us, good or bad it proved she was there and it's proof that we are all going to be haunted by a ghost and I'm sorry because I know there was more I could have done, but we have to keep going because that's what she would want. We have to keep going so that were not haunted by a ghost but greeted with a memory." She paused and noticed a few people were tearing up, she frowned

"I am sorry for this loss." She quickly added before walking away from the podium and to the back of the stage where she stood with the few others who were saying something.

Natasha found herself zoning out during the other speeches. They just didn't mean anything, the same words repeated at every funeral just with a different name on the grave. She had never spoken words at a funeral before and meant them, to her the death of a fellow Agent had always just been something that happened, some people felt the loss, and some didn't. Both Clint and Natasha were used to not feeling, being at a funeral where you knew the deceased and you knew you could have done more, hurt. Once Fury concluded the ceremony and everyone said their goodbyes, Natasha nearly ran off of the stage grabbed Clint and Bella and be-lined for the car. Once inside she broke down. Clint pulled her into his chest and Bella wrapped her arms around her mother.

"Tasha. It's gonna be okay." He soothed, she didn't say anything. Bella rested her head on her mother's side.

"Don't cry. Why are you crying?" Natasha wrapped one of her arms around Bella.

"Don't worry, I'm okay. I'm okay. Just promise you won't do this to me."

Clint kissed Natasha's head, Bella stared up at Natasha "I don't wanna make you cry."

Natasha gave her daughter a sad smile. Clint wrapped his arms tighter around Natasha.

"I won't Nat. I won't."

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**September 30****th**** 1994, Izabella age 3**

The next few weeks passed quickly and quietly. Driving to preschool, running errands and a few doctors' appointments for Clint. The three of them quickly settled back into their somewhat ordinary life. Unfortunately assuming things would stay the same for any length of time was a mistake they seemed to continue making.

Natasha jolted awake, she searched around for Clint then remembered he was pulling an all-nighter at SHIELD. Working on a case, he'd never have to go into the field, but to make up for that he was working tirelessly on simply finding the target. Natasha frowned, she wasn't sure why she had woken up, and she hadn't been having a nightmare. Quickly she sprinted out of bed and checked on Bella. The toddler was sound asleep, Natasha quickly checked the rest of the house.

Nothing, still not sure why she had woken up she racked her mind for anything she might have had to do. She couldn't re call anything. In frustration she banged her fist on the kitchen counter. In doing that she sent a few paper on the counter flying onto the ground, she crouched down to pick them up, when she put them back on the counter she sorted through the paper. A few old bills, some SHIELD paperwork and a calendar. She glanced at the date then dropped it.

"Shit."

**So sorry for the long update I went on vacation for a bit then procrastinated my entire life for a while (which was a mistake). Got some new obsessions and nearly fell asleep in the middle of class more than twice (how's your life been?). Also the whole My Chemical Romance breakup really hit me a couple days ago and I just sort of laid on the floor for a bit. I seriously think you can all guess what just happened with Natasha, feel free to say what you think in a review and to that one guest reviewer who said some really nice things on Valentine's Day, I love you. So keep following/favoriting reviewing.**


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